As I approached the final weeks of my first pregnancy, expecting twins, I found myself plagued by thoughts of what lay ahead. I envisioned myself a few months postpartum, cradling both babies, sweat drenching my face, and sobbing uncontrollably.
“Brace yourself,” I warned my partner.
It’s a strange sensation to prepare oneself for potential depression, but what other outcome could I anticipate? Studies suggest that 30-50% of new mothers face some level of depression, and that percentage rises for those with multiples. Doctors were already having me fill out assessments, asking me to rate my feelings of self-harm on a scale from 1 to 5.
Yet, upon the birth of my twins and the establishment of our new routine, I was surprised to find myself navigating motherhood with relative ease. Sure, there were adjustments and tears, but overall, I felt happier and more supported than ever before.
However, unlike many new mothers, I had previously experienced postpartum depression four years earlier when I first became a stepparent to my then five-year-old stepson, Alex.
Alex and I share a wonderful bond, and our friendship blossomed quickly. It was a smooth transition, but it was still a transition nonetheless. I had been dating my partner for six months before meeting Alex, wanting to ensure we were serious before that introduction. I foolishly thought of Alex as just an addition to our lives, not realizing he would become the center of my world. From the moment he entered my life, my responsibilities shifted dramatically, tying my future to a child who wasn’t biologically mine.
Just a month into my role as a stepparent, I found myself crying for reasons I couldn’t articulate. My breathing became labored, and restless nights were spent counting breaths, unsure if I was inhaling too much or too little. I didn’t understand what was happening, nor did I know there was a name for my feelings. I visited the doctor three times that fall, but each time I left without answers.
When my twins were three months old, I joined a “New Moms Group” where mothers with infants under six months shared their experiences. I stood out as the only one with twins and the only stepparent. When I mentioned my prior struggles with postpartum depression as a stepparent, the other women were intrigued but seemed to dismiss my experiences.
“Postpartum depression is hormonal,” they insisted.
And just like that, the conversation ended. Biology seemed to take precedence.
However, depression doesn’t stem solely from physical changes. Fathers can experience postpartum depression, as can adoptive parents—and so can stepparents like me.
Motherhood requires an individual to navigate new identities, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. Stepparents face this same challenge, often without the support that biological parents receive. There are limited resources for stepparents, and they are rarely included in discussions with other mothers.
Critics may argue that stepparents have a choice to walk away since the child is not their legal dependent. But that doesn’t diminish the genuine anxiety that accompanies becoming a stepparent. How many relationships have crumbled because of undiagnosed postpartum depression in stepparents?
There has been a growing awareness of postpartum issues, which I welcome. Any effort that reduces the stigma around mental health and emphasizes self-care is a victory for everyone. Celebrities like Taylor and Melissa have shared their postpartum struggles, offering a sense of camaraderie to mothers everywhere. Yet, what often goes unmentioned is the need for support, something stepparents frequently lack.
With my twins, I had access to doctors, nurses, doulas, community resources, friends, and support groups. As a stepparent, I had none of that. Even my closest friends, those who appreciated my partner, would sometimes question my choices.
“Is he truly worth it?” they’d ask.
At times, I found myself uncertain.
Falling in love with someone who has children from a previous relationship often means stepping into a family that has undergone significant upheaval—regardless of whether you played a role in that disruption. Society permits biological mothers to experience both joy and sorrow; stepparents face judgment for expressing either emotion. If you love your stepchildren, you’re perceived as overstepping boundaries; if you feel frustrated with them, you’re labeled as unkind.
Research by Lisa Doodson, author of How to Be a Happy Stepmum, indicates that stepmothers often experience higher levels of anxiety and depression compared to biological mothers and receive less support. Stepparents frequently meet their partner’s children when the relationship is still new, leading to uncertainty about their role. When does one become a mother? Is it upon first meeting? After marriage? And if the relationship ends, does that connection still exist?
These questions often remain unanswered.
Over time, I gained confidence in my role, established my unique relationship with Alex, and made choices to enhance my well-being. It took about a year, but eventually, I no longer felt like an accessory. I still grapple with feelings of sadness, jealousy, and anger, but I also experience moments of genuine joy and contentment. Isn’t that the reality for every parent?
As author Wednesday Martin insightfully mentioned on the Dear Sugar podcast, “You want to fall somewhere between an aunt and an ally.” This balance was easier for me to achieve with Alex, a fun-loving child who embraced me as part of his life. For many stepparents, this journey is far more challenging.
Now that my twins are three, they adore their older brother, and he reciprocates that love. I’ve found peace with my dual roles as both mother and stepparent. I’ve navigated the postpartum phase for all my children, including my stepchild. Our society needs to expand its resources to address all forms of postpartum depression, particularly for those who fall outside the traditional biological parenting model.
For more insights into the postpartum experience, check out this blog post. Additionally, if you’re interested in learning about home insemination, this resource is a great place to start. For comprehensive information on pregnancy, visit CDC’s pregnancy page.
Potential Search Queries
- Do stepparents experience postpartum depression?
- How to support a stepparent during the postpartum period?
- Signs of postpartum depression in stepparents.
- Resources for postpartum depression in non-biological parents.
- How does becoming a stepparent affect mental health?
In summary, stepparents are often overlooked in discussions about postpartum depression. While they may not have the same legal responsibilities as biological parents, their emotional experiences are equally valid. Support systems for stepparents are lacking, and it’s crucial to recognize their unique challenges and feelings during this transformative period.
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