My younger brother, who is a decade my junior, FaceTimes me daily. He’s the one who reaches out, and I eagerly await his calls, ready to offer guidance, send him a few bucks through Venmo as he navigates his financial skills, or simply chat about life. In many ways, I serve as his primary parental figure.
While I didn’t give birth to him (obviously!), we share the same mother, who passed away thirteen years ago. Before her death, she was far from the ideal parent. She was emotionally and physically absent, often cycling through jail, prison, and halfway houses. Assuming the role of caregiver is something I’ve grown accustomed to, and it’s challenging to let go of that responsibility, particularly for my siblings — yet it can be draining.
As I grew up, I felt a sense of responsibility toward my siblings, Bella and Max, that no child should have to bear. I believed it was my duty to shield them from our mother’s absence. I had to learn how to engage with them, show them affection, and act both as their older sister and the one who could help them understand why our mother never tucked them in at night.
A quick online search for “siblings caring for siblings” reveals a lack of substantial data; in fact, there’s hardly any discussion on the topic. It’s a hidden struggle that I kept to myself, feeling like the only person my siblings could turn to. Over time, we often had substitute parental figures because our mother was unable to fulfill her role, consumed by her addiction and incarceration. While she couldn’t provide for us, I stepped in and filled that void.
Despite the hardships, I find gratitude in my experiences. The challenges I faced — from visiting her in jail to covering her bail and protecting my younger brother with fibs about her whereabouts — have shaped who I am today. These experiences influence my interactions in every aspect of my life. I’ve learned to carefully craft my responses to avoid hurting others’ feelings, often leading to perceptions of insincerity when, in reality, I aim to communicate thoughtfully. I never wanted my words to wound my siblings, so I learned to express myself in the gentlest way possible.
There are countless caregivers worldwide. For many, caregiving is a role they’ve chosen; however, stepping into this role for a sibling due to a parent’s failure creates a complex dynamic. It entails establishing boundaries about what to share and what to keep private, determining which requests are reasonable, and navigating the accompanying shame. A significant lesson I learned after adopting my son is this: everyone needs someone who can be there for them, who can show up. For my siblings, that person is me. Like parenting my own three kids, I may feel overwhelmed at times, even hitting decline when I see their number on my phone, but love is the force that unites us.
Being both a sibling and a caregiver, I cherish witnessing my siblings’ growth and being a part of their journey. Yes, it can be tiring, and I have the right to voice my frustrations. But abandoning them is not an option, just as I would never abandon my biological children. My role as their caregiver has influenced every relationship I’ve had, both personal and professional.
In an article by writer Jamie Lee for The Atlantic, it is noted that while there’s extensive literature on parental neglect, there’s limited examination of how such neglect forces children into parenting roles for each other. The research on how these dynamics affect relationships later in life, with both siblings and others, is virtually nonexistent. Scholars agree that gaps in sibling research persist, particularly regarding how abusive family environments shape these relationships and roles.
Interestingly, I never perceived my mother’s absence as neglect; she simply wasn’t there, so how could she neglect me? All I know is that her absence has made me stronger and ultimately a better mother when I chose to have children.
This article was originally published on Dec. 22, 2020.
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- How to care for siblings when parents are absent
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- Emotional effects of being a caregiver for siblings
Summary:
The article recounts the author’s experience of stepping into a caregiver role for her siblings due to their mother’s absence. It highlights the emotional and physical challenges she faced, the growth she experienced from those responsibilities, and the complexities of sibling caregiving. Furthermore, it emphasizes the need for support and understanding in such dynamics, reflecting on the broader implications of parental neglect and its effects on sibling relationships.
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