Breastfeeding is hard. Pumping is hard. The immense pressure to provide breast milk for my children has been, without a doubt, my least favorite aspect of motherhood. I do cherish the moments of nursing—seeing my daughter gaze at me with her big, innocent eyes, her tiny hand playing with my hair or resting on my full breast. Those moments are precious and unique to us. However, the rest of the experience can be overwhelming. I’ve discovered that actual nursing constitutes only about 10% of the entire breastfeeding journey—a fact I never encountered in media, college, medical school, or even during my pediatrics residency. Here I am, a board-certified pediatrician, openly discussing my struggles with breastfeeding.
I had once envisioned myself as a laid-back, free-spirited mom who would nurse my babies until they were two years old. I imagined a soothing bedtime routine with breastfeeding as the centerpiece. However, my first experience with my daughter was a complete disaster. She struggled to latch, and despite the home visits from lactation consultants, we ended up syringe feeding. I had to assist her in latching onto my finger while we dribbled milk into her mouth—90-minute feedings every two hours. The advice to avoid pacifiers until a “healthy breastfeeding relationship” was established felt like a cruel joke. If you’ve ever seen a postpartum woman, still dealing with healing and trying to get a baby to latch at 2 a.m., you would realize the absurdity of this recommendation.
Finally, after three weeks, my baby managed to latch but her growth was concerning. I watched her weight plummet from the 30th percentile down to the 1st. After tests showed blood in her diapers, we were advised to eliminate all dairy and soy from my diet. The isolation and misery that followed were overwhelming. Dining out became a challenge—at one restaurant, I was left with just brown rice and broccoli. It’s a nightmare when you’re a nursing mother needing extra calories to produce milk and then told you can only have the bare minimum.
Eventually, my pediatrician had to tell me that it was time to switch to formula. I struggled with the guilt and shame of feeling like I failed. As I dumped ounces of hard-earned breast milk down the drain, I often cried, realizing that despite the efforts and money spent on lactation consultants, my child would be a formula-fed baby.
The emotional toll of this experience made me anxious about the prospect of having another child, leading me to seek therapy. When my second daughter was born, I vowed to be gentler with myself. However, latch issues surfaced again, requiring a procedure to help her latch properly. This time, breastfeeding started well, but when I returned to work during a pandemic, my milk supply began to dwindle. Balancing patient care and pumping became a dizzying challenge, leading to further frustrations as I found myself relying on formula once more.
I remind myself daily that I am still a good mom, even if I nurture my baby with formula instead of breast milk. We need to be kinder to ourselves and to each other as mothers. Let’s promise not to impose the heavy burden of breastfeeding expectations right from the moment our newborns take their first breaths. You are still a good mom.
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Summary:
This article shares the candid experiences of a pediatrician who faced significant challenges with breastfeeding. Despite the pressure and struggles, the author emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and support among mothers. By sharing her journey, she encourages others to release the burdens of societal expectations surrounding breastfeeding and to understand that being a good mother transcends the method of feeding.
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