When my daughter was just three, we experienced a pivotal conversation about race. After attending her preschool, she came home distressed because a classmate had remarked that her brown skin “looked like dirt.” I was taken aback; I wanted to cry. Luckily, my mother, a retired educator, stepped in. “You know what else is brown?” she asked my daughter. “Chocolate and cookies! And who doesn’t love those?” We shared a laugh (because, let’s be honest, poop jokes are funny), and enjoyed some chocolate chip cookies together. This painful moment highlighted two crucial realities I face as a mother of Black children. First, I must discuss race with my kids at an alarmingly young age. Second, my white friends and their children significantly influence how my kids perceive themselves. To say we need to work together is an understatement; we are partners in this journey.
I am biracial. My father was a Black professional athlete from a large family in Pennsylvania, and my mother is white and Jewish, raised south of Boston. I married a Black man, and until our recent move to a suburb of New York City, we were raising our three Black children—ages 8, 6, and 4—in Manhattan.
Growing up near Boston, I attended a predominantly white private school for thirteen years. My days consisted of running between academic buildings, spending time on the quad, and playing lacrosse. Yet, my weekends were spent at a nearby Black Boys and Girls Club where I played basketball. I wore everything from L.L. Bean shoes and rugby shirts to Nike sneakers and basketball shorts. Despite navigating these two worlds, my mother always reminded me that the world would see me as a Black woman or, more specifically, as “not white.”
In June, as protests erupted over the deaths of Black individuals at the hands of police, many of my closest white friends reached out to me. One friend asked what I was telling my children about the current racial climate, admitting her uncertainty about what to say to her own kids. I appreciated her vulnerability and willingness to engage with me, reinforcing that I am surrounded by people who care: “If you could shape the conversation for white parents, what would it be like?”
I feel confident that every Black parent has “The Talk” with their children—there’s no escaping it. But the progress we seek relies heavily on white parents having their own discussions about race. We must share this responsibility.
After three months of lockdown in our small Manhattan apartment, we rented a house in a suburb in June. As we pulled into the driveway, our collective sigh of relief could probably be heard by our friends back in the city. Life here seemed largely unaffected by the pandemic and ongoing protests. Neighbors socialized maskless, extending invitations to gatherings, and everyday tasks felt less daunting. This sense of normalcy is a privilege that many of my white friends outside the city enjoy, while those in the city often do not. Once again, I found myself navigating two worlds—with a clearer sense of self, a greater responsibility as a mother, and a pressing urgency amidst the nation’s racial turmoil.
How families approach discussions about race is deeply personal, but avoiding the conversation or teaching “color blindness” perpetuates the neglect of systemic racism that underlies our current challenges. While white parents won’t have the same conversations that Black parents must, a commitment to engage in dialogue about race with their children can be mutually beneficial. It can create a foundation of understanding, tolerance, and acceptance that not only educates white children but also protects my children from unintended racial bias.
As a multiracial woman raising Black kids in a predominantly white community, I strongly encourage my white friends to start these conversations with their children. Here are some suggestions:
- Read Books About History: Help humanize the Black experience by exploring Black history together. Discuss historical figures who played vital roles in racial justice. Books like “The Drinking Gourd” by F.N. Monjo facilitate conversations about the Underground Railroad, emphasizing unity and hope while discussing slavery. Other recommended reads include “The Other Side” by Jacqueline Woodson and “We March” by Shane W. Evans.
- Teach Through Unexpected Means: My daughters often sport shirts featuring influential figures like Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks. This sparks discussions about their legacies and connects them to significant historical narratives. Additionally, educational shows like the Xavier Riddle series on PBS Kids present complex historical figures in a relatable manner.
- Unify Through Listening and Action: Teach children the nuances of navigating their identities while encouraging them to be strong advocates. Encourage white children to actively engage with diverse communities and understand different perspectives.
- Demonstrate That It’s Everyone’s Fight: Highlight the collaborative nature of social movements. When we watched protest coverage, I pointed out how diverse the crowds were—it’s not just Black people fighting for justice; it’s a collective effort.
- Embrace The Golden Rule: Ultimately, the most important lesson is teaching our children to treat others as they want to be treated. Discuss the importance of empathy and humanity in combating racism.
By engaging openly about our country’s racial history and normalizing discussions about race, we can raise kids who are informed and empathetic, ready to advocate for meaningful change. We cannot afford to wait any longer.
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In summary, fostering discussions about race among children is essential for raising awareness and empathy. By providing resources, encouraging open dialogue, and emphasizing shared responsibility, we can help create a more inclusive and understanding future.
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