Your Young Child May Not Experience Genuine Gratitude, and That’s Completely Normal

Like many immigrants pursuing a better life, my father dreamed of providing our family with opportunities he never had. Growing up in Greece during the late 1920s, he faced poverty, hunger, and war before moving to the United States. Ironically, after achieving his vision of the American dream, he often felt frustrated with us because we lacked the experiences that shaped his resilience, making him perceive us as spoiled and ungrateful.

Throughout my upbringing, my father was obsessed with eliciting sincere gratitude from his children. He worked tirelessly but felt we didn’t recognize or appreciate his sacrifices. His expectations for appreciation peaked around holidays, his birthday, and during financially stressful times.

When I see parents today fretting over their children’s perceived ingratitude, I wish I could share the reasons why such expectations are unrealistic. Emotions, including gratitude, cannot be forced. Like love or anger, gratitude is a profound feeling that arises from within as a reaction to external influences. Forcing a child to express gratitude sends the wrong message: that we can dictate how others should feel rather than allowing them to experience genuine emotions. What is a parent to do when their child doesn’t express the expected appreciation? Unfortunately, children may resort to insincerity, which is detrimental for both the child and the parent.

Providing basic necessities like food, shelter, and healthcare is the fundamental responsibility of a parent. Expecting gratitude for these essential duties is unfair to everyone involved. I cared for my son because I wanted to, not because I expected thanks. Gratitude trivializes my role in his life; I am not merely a service provider.

Children have limited autonomy for much of their early lives, which is appropriate. Parents make decisions about where they live, what schools they attend, the clothes they wear, the food they eat, and which family members they visit. How can a child genuinely feel thankful for a life primarily shaped by others?

Young children lack the emotional insight to grasp the world fully, as they haven’t yet ventured far from home. They only know their immediate environment and what their parents and educators introduce them to. To feel true gratitude, one must recognize that all good things can vanish unexpectedly, a realization that young children are simply not equipped to comprehend.

My high school had over 1,200 students but fewer than ten who were Black. I was 21 when I first met someone Jewish. My parents believed the world was a perilous place for women and girls, leading them to keep me in a predominantly white town. This limited exposure to diversity and different cultures left me unprepared for the complexities of the world until I moved away from home. It wasn’t until the protests in Baltimore over Freddie Gray’s death that I began to understand such social movements.

No parent wishes to raise entitled, demanding children devoid of empathy. This fear, coupled with unrealistic expectations, often drives the desire for acknowledgment from our kids. Despite my father’s efforts to prevent my sister and me from becoming spoiled, he overlooked the importance of fostering well-rounded, grateful individuals. Without exposure to diverse experiences and lifestyles, we couldn’t authentically appreciate the home we were given.

The most beneficial approach for well-intentioned parents is to relinquish their expectations for gratitude and instead create opportunities for experiences and discussions that cultivate genuine empathy and appreciation later in life. Parenting offers no guarantees, including the assurance of hearing a heartfelt “thank you.”

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Summary

This article discusses the unrealistic expectations parents often have regarding their children’s expressions of gratitude. It emphasizes that gratitude is a complex emotion that cannot be forced and highlights the importance of providing children with diverse experiences to foster genuine appreciation. The author reflects on their own upbringing and the limitations of their childhood environment in shaping their ability to express gratitude.