After experiencing my first pregnancy loss (an ectopic pregnancy that necessitated emergency surgery), I took two weeks off work to heal physically and mourn in the privacy of my home. While I was on leave, I reached out to the HR department to ask about bereavement leave, hoping to avoid using up my accrued sick days and vacation time. To my shock, the HR representative responded, “Well, bereavement leave is only for, like, real people.”
I was utterly taken aback and, quite frankly, furious. I was already grappling with profound grief for a child I would never meet. Yet, in one dismissive remark, this HR representative, whom I had never met, managed to invalidate the deep sorrow I was just beginning to acknowledge.
Sadly, my experience is far from isolated. After the stillbirth of her daughter, Emma, on December 1, a teacher named Sarah faced the same dismissal from her employer, who stated they could not provide her paid family leave since she was only “taking care of [her]self.” After enduring 48 hours of labor and a significant blood loss due to surgery, she found it disheartening that she wouldn’t receive the leave that would have been granted had her baby survived. “Being denied paid family leave after what I went through made it feel as if my child never existed,” Sarah shared.
If “family leave” is limited to parents bringing home a living child, and “bereavement leave” is reserved for mourning individuals who have lived outside the womb, we urgently need a specific policy for stillbirths, miscarriages, and other pregnancy losses. Such experiences are monumental—physically, emotionally, and financially—and denying leave for them is unjust.
Statistics indicate that one in four pregnancies ends in loss. Given this, in workplaces with numerous employees, it’s likely that at least one woman is dealing with a pregnancy loss at any moment. For some, these losses are medical emergencies; two of my four losses were ectopic pregnancies that endangered my life. One required emergency surgery, while the other involved a medication usually prescribed for cancer treatment. I also experienced a “missed miscarriage” and lost my son, Jack, in the second trimester, which involved surgery and immense heartache.
Even when a pregnancy loss is not medically severe, the emotional toll is significant. Research shows that nearly 29% of women who have experienced early-stage pregnancy loss suffer from post-traumatic stress a month later. Many face anxiety, depression, and other emotional disorders following such losses.
When my co-authors and I penned “Healing Hearts: Understanding Pregnancy Loss,” it was an effort to delve into the devastation of these experiences. For me, it was about understanding why this form of loss feels so overwhelming. The grief involves not just the loss of the baby but also the loss of dreams, innocence, and control. Society often fails to recognize this grief in a meaningful way.
David Kessler, a well-known grief author, has stated, “We are a grief-illiterate society.” We often rush to comfort those in pain with platitudes that fail to validate their experiences. Many women describe their pregnancy loss as isolating, even though it’s a shared experience for millions. When people dismiss our grief, we withdraw, complicating our sorrow with a lack of acknowledgment from others.
After each of my losses, I was never informed of my entitlement to leave. Consequently, when my sick days and vacation time ran out, I returned to work, often still in pain and emotionally drained. I felt compelled to put on a brave face, conforming to the expectations of those around me. Many women, however, do not have the privilege of sick leave or vacation time. What about those who must take unpaid leave or work physically demanding jobs?
While some individuals may find solace in returning to work after a loss, many of us are unprepared to face our colleagues. A poignant quote from Ella Wright’s book about the loss of her son captures this sentiment: “The thought of going back, facing everyone…made me physically ill.” Yet for most of us, returning to work is a necessity.
The reality is that U.S. workplaces have not adapted to the emotional and physical ramifications of miscarriage. They will not change unless there is a collective demand for it. Our culture prioritizes productivity, often at the expense of individual health. However, prioritizing health ultimately leads to more productive employees.
In other countries, policies exist that provide leave for pregnancy loss. For instance, in South Korea, women are entitled to maternity leave following a miscarriage or stillbirth, with the duration based on how far along they were in their pregnancy. Such policies should exist in the U.S. The absence of them raises questions about our status as a leading nation.
We can create a new category of leave specifically for pregnancy loss. Whether we call it Pregnancy Loss Leave or Paid Pregnancy Loss Leave (PPLL), this type of leave should be accessible to both the woman and her partner since pregnancy loss affects both parties. Current policies imply that this loss impacts no one, fostering an environment where individuals are expected to endure their pain in silence.
Change is imperative—because women’s health is crucial, every baby matters, and grief is real. A society’s values are reflected in its policies. If we aspire to foster empathy during these challenging times, we must start with how we support those who are grieving. Imagine a world where we collectively say, “Take your time. Your pain deserves to be acknowledged.” True change often begins with small steps.
For more insights on this topic, check out one of our other blog posts here and for authoritative information on home insemination, visit Make a Mom. For comprehensive resources on pregnancy, see NICHD.
Search Queries:
- What is pregnancy loss leave?
- How to cope with pregnancy loss at work?
- Are there policies for miscarriage leave?
- Emotional impact of pregnancy loss
- Rights for parents after stillbirth
Summary:
This article discusses the inadequacy of current bereavement and family leave policies in the U.S. regarding pregnancy loss. It highlights the emotional and physical toll of experiences such as stillbirth and miscarriage, advocating for specific leave policies to acknowledge and support grieving parents. It emphasizes the need for societal change to validate these losses and provide adequate support for those affected.
Leave a Reply