Hello, sweetie. How are you doing? No need to answer that—I already know you’re enjoying your snack of Goldfish, a handful of Runts, all while immersed in LEGO Star Wars. So, life is treating you well!
However, I would like to take a moment to discuss something important. Life isn’t always filled with sweetness and joy, and that’s especially true for me. You deserve to know why.
The truth is, I deal with a mental illness that impacts my daily life. It’s a condition that isn’t visible in the same way a cold or fever is, and I may appear perfectly fine on the outside. I can talk, laugh, and look like I’m doing great, but not every illness is apparent. Unfortunately, depression is one of those hidden struggles.
You might be wondering, “What is depression? Are you feeling okay, Mommy? Do you need medicine? Can we still play?” The answers aren’t straightforward. Sometimes I feel fine, thanks to treatment, but other times my depression can make me feel achy, tired, and irritable. It can rob me of the energy to engage, leaving me wanting to retreat into bed rather than join in on our fun.
On those tough days, I know it affects you. At just three years old, you want my full attention, and I find myself unable to give it. I’m physically there, but my mind is often elsewhere, and for this, I genuinely apologize.
I want to clarify: I am not apologizing for my depression itself. I cannot control it, just as I can’t control other illnesses. But I deeply regret how it impacts you. I’m sorry if it ever makes you feel ignored or unloved. I regret the missed playdates and the times I’ve had to say “not tonight” when you wanted to share a meal together. I regret the fun activities we haven’t done, from coloring to dancing, because I’ve been too overwhelmed by my feelings.
It breaks my heart to think that you might believe this is somehow your fault. Please know, it isn’t. My moods, my tears, and my struggles are not a reflection of your worth or your love. They stem from my illness, which is separate from you.
As I navigate this complicated journey, I promise to keep striving for improvement. I will work on better explaining my feelings and doing my best to be the mom you deserve. However, there will still be challenging days when my depression may overshadow our time together. On those days, please remember that my love for you remains constant. No matter how I feel or how I act, my depression is not your fault.
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In summary, I want you to know that while my depression can create confusion and distance, it is not your fault and never will be. I love you always, and I’m committed to working on myself for you.
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