As mothers, the most detrimental thing we can do is cling to our regrets. We all have them, and we all stumble along the way, hoping that our missteps won’t leave lasting marks on our children’s memories.
It’s often the first child that we struggle with the most, isn’t it? That first “test pancake”—either slightly burnt or a bit undercooked, but never just right, as we’re still figuring out the cooking process. At least that’s how it was for me. My list of things I’d like to change about parenting my first child is extensive. However, I try not to dwell on it too much because he is now 12 and doing great, which tells me I must be getting some things right.
Holding onto a long list of regrets isn’t beneficial for anyone, especially a busy, tired mom who is simply trying her best. Yet, if there’s one aspect I truly wish I could revisit, it would be trusting my instincts—particularly concerning breastfeeding and sleep training.
I vividly recall a moment when my son was around four months old during one of countless pediatric check-ups in his first year. As a new mom, I was anxious and inexperienced. I absorbed every piece of advice from the nurses and doctors as if they were precious gems. I was desperate for guidance, silently pleading for help.
They provided it, advising me on what to do and what to avoid, and I listened because I wanted to be a good mom. However, perhaps there were times when I should have trusted my own instincts.
At that appointment, I admitted that he wasn’t sleeping through the night and that I often nursed him back to sleep. The response was a disapproving tsk-tsk along with a lecture on the importance of laying babies down awake so they could learn to self-soothe. It left me feeling defeated. After struggling to establish breastfeeding, I finally found a rhythm, and now I was being told to change it? Despite my reservations, I went home determined to implement the “necessary changes” the doctor had suggested.
Even though it didn’t feel right to me—in my gut, I thought, what harm could there be in giving a quick feed at 2 a.m. to get a few more hours of sleep? So, I followed along, thinking the doctor must know better than I did.
Thus began a strict sleep training and night weaning process that ultimately failed. My child didn’t sleep through the night until he was over a year old, and both of us were often restless. I can’t help but wonder if this struggle stemmed from adhering to external rules rather than listening to my own heart.
Interestingly, by the time my second and third children arrived, my approach to breastfeeding changed significantly. They often fell asleep at the breast, and yes, my youngest continued to wake for nighttime feeds well into toddlerhood.
Yet, even then, when I heard my third child fussing at 11 or 12 months in the middle of the night, that old voice of judgment still echoed in my mind, insisting, “He’s too old for night feedings!” But then I realized: I could either nurse him back to sleep for 10 minutes, or let him cry. What was better for both of us? Sleep.
By the time my third baby came along, I had completely abandoned the strict feeding and napping schedules I once followed religiously. The anxious new mom who tracked every feeding had transformed into someone who responded to inquiries about feeding by saying, “Yeah, he eats… usually in the car… and he sleeps… usually in the car.”
This last baby turned out to be my best sleeper, happiest eater, and most content child—likely because I had learned to relax and go with the flow. Nap time became more about when he fell asleep nursing rather than adhering to a strict schedule, which made a world of difference.
Now, at seven, he’s my most independent child. He can heat his own meals, rode the bus alone to preschool at four, and is fearless in trying new things. He developed confidence and leadership qualities, all while having nursed to sleep longer than any of my other children. Turns out, my instincts were spot on.
Looking back, I don’t blame that pediatrician for her advice. She likely saw an overwhelmed mom and believed her guidance was in my best interest. However, a discussion that included, “Some moms do it differently, so do what feels right for you,” would have built my confidence instead of imposing unnecessary pressure to follow rigid rules.
There are certainly moms who wish to reclaim their nights or feel it’s essential to lay their babies down awake, and they should be supported in that choice. Conversely, some mothers, like me, believe their child will eventually learn to self-soothe. Those fleeting moments of nursing a baby to sleep are precious, and I chose to savor them despite any judgment.
Reflecting on that anxious mother from years past, I wonder if a conversation about the importance of bonding and recognizing that every baby—and every mother—is different would have been more beneficial than a checklist of developmental milestones.
La Leche League International states that by one year, many babies still need a parent’s soothing at night. Breastfeeding is a highly effective way to provide that comfort. Additionally, studies indicate that nursing mothers have higher levels of prolactin at night, which can lead to babies wanting to nurse during those hours.
Breast milk contains tryptophan and melatonin, both of which help induce sleep. Nursing to sleep can also support a mother’s milk supply, which is beneficial for many moms facing low supply issues. The bonding moments during those quiet feedings are just an added bonus.
When my breastfeeding journey ended, I felt a pang of sadness as I completed our last middle-of-the-night feeding, but it was time. The following night, when he stirred, I decided not to nurse him, and he fell back asleep after a quick cuddle.
Could I have ended those nighttime feedings earlier? Probably. Could I have trained him to sleep independently sooner? Sure. But I believe I provided him with months of comfort and security, laying a foundation for a child who knows he is safe and secure—whether or not he has milk at 2 a.m.
In truth, nursing my youngest to sleep whenever we both felt like it is one of the decisions I have no regrets about.
For more insights on parenting and breastfeeding, check out this post on our other blog. If you’re exploring fertility and home insemination, Make a Mom provides excellent resources. For comprehensive information on fertility, Medical News Today is a great reference.
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Summary:
The post explores the misconceptions surrounding nursing babies to sleep, highlighting a mother’s journey of learning to trust her instincts while navigating pediatric advice. The author reflects on her experiences with breastfeeding and sleep training her first child and contrasts it with her more relaxed approach with subsequent children. The piece emphasizes the importance of bonding, mental health, and individual parenting styles, advocating for the acceptance of diverse parenting choices.
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