“Is everything alright?” My friend’s worried expression nearly made me chuckle. I was giving her a tour of our new house and had just shown her my husband Jason’s bedroom. Decorated with sports memorabilia and sci-fi collectibles, one might mistake it for a teenager’s sanctuary.
My own bedroom, on the other hand, resembles a glamorous 1920s Hollywood set, complete with an elaborate vanity, twinkling fairy lights, and an abundance of decorative candles that might lead you to think you stumbled into a chapel.
Jason and I are celebrating thirteen years of marriage this year. We have two wonderful sons and share a love for humor, food, and films. Our relationship is strong and harmonious in nearly every aspect … except when it comes to sleep.
Jason prefers to doze off with the television blaring and, astonishingly, leaves it on all night. He also has a delightful yet noisy fish tank in his room, creating a soundscape reminiscent of a waterfall. For me, the mere sound of running water sends me scurrying to the bathroom. Not to mention, he snores. Oh boy, does he snore! With the TV, the fish, and the snoring, it feels like I might as well be trying to nap in the middle of Times Square.
I’m not exactly easy to sleep with either. As a lifelong insomniac, I crave utter silence and complete darkness. I rely on my white noise machine and blackout curtains, creating a sleep environment that feels like a self-induced isolation chamber.
Despite our differences, Jason and I cherish our time together and bring joy to each other’s lives. However, when it’s bedtime, we go our separate ways. It’s akin to being at a bar that’s closing down: “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
Naturally, we occasionally indulge in some late-night rendezvous. (“Your place or mine?”) Yet, we are completely satisfied with our arrangement.
Is Sleeping Apart Acceptable?
While research on this topic is limited, I came across two studies suggesting that separate sleeping arrangements could be beneficial. According to a 2005 report from the National Sleep Foundation, about 23% of couples choose to sleep in separate beds, although a 2017 survey indicated that this number has dropped to 14%. A 2013 study from the University of California, Berkeley, found that couples often experience more frequent and intense arguments after a poor night’s sleep.
I consulted with Sarah Mitchell, a licensed clinical social worker in New York focusing on couples and family therapy, about whether sleeping separately means anything beyond a desire for a good night’s rest.
“It depends,” she said. “Are there other avenues for contact, affection, and intimacy? Have both partners agreed on this arrangement? Can you discuss it openly and evaluate if it’s working? If both agree it’s a beneficial choice, then it can enhance your connection in other ways.”
The crux of the matter is mutual comfort and agreement regarding separate sleeping quarters. Ms. Mitchell pointed out that issues arise when the arrangement isn’t intentional or openly discussed. “If it’s not a mutual decision, or if one partner feels uneasy about it, that can signal trouble,” she explained. “Another warning sign is if it arose from a disagreement. When sleeping apart serves to create distance without alternative ways of maintaining intimacy, the relationship can suffer.”
Everyone Needs to Be on the Same Page
As in any relationship, communication is vital. What if one partner is enthusiastic about having their own sleep space while the other isn’t? Ms. Mitchell recommends that if both individuals can genuinely listen and understand each other’s perspectives, they are more likely to discover a solution that satisfies both. Practicing active listening—hearing each other out without trying to persuade the other—can be beneficial.
“When it turns into avoidance,” Ms. Mitchell noted, “when it’s a precursor to divorce, or when it becomes a long-term solution to sleeping with kids, that’s a red flag.”
For us, my only concern is how our sons will perceive our sleeping arrangements. However, I reflect on my own parents’ gradual shift to separate rooms. Initially, they shared a large bed, then transitioned to two beds pushed together, and eventually opted for separate rooms altogether. They’ve been happily married for over fifty years, and when I think of them, I focus on their love and companionship rather than where they sleep.
Ideally, my children will feel the same. Their parents love each other and them, so why should it matter where we catch our Z’s? We have our own spaces that allow us to sleep comfortably without resentment, and each morning, we continue our lives as a loving family—thanks in part to some caffeine.
In conclusion, this arrangement works for us. While we value our relationship and strive to nurture it, we also recognize the importance of sleep. It allows our bodies to recover and prevents health issues like weight gain and heart problems. Plus, a good night’s sleep helps me avoid being the cranky person I sometimes can be—so it’s a win-win for everyone!
For more insights on relationships and home dynamics, you can explore this other blog post or check out this valuable resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
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Summary:
In this article, we explore the growing trend of couples choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms. Despite sharing love and compatibility in many aspects, differing sleep preferences can lead to a happier, healthier relationship. Communication and mutual agreement are key to making this arrangement work, and it can even enhance intimacy in other areas. Ultimately, prioritizing quality sleep can benefit both partners and strengthen their bond.
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