Before I became pregnant, I was certain that my partner and I would share everything equally. I imagined I’d handle some breastfeeding while he would take on the bottle feeding; I’d cook meals, and he’d take care of the cleanup. We’d both tackle diaper changes and doctor visits together. Boy, was I mistaken.
While my partner is an incredible man, even he couldn’t shield me from the overwhelming mental burden of motherhood. Not only was I not a never-ending source of breast milk, but the emotional stability that motherhood requires was enough to make me reconsider my career path.
I had every reason to think we’d have a balanced partnership. From the start of our relationship, we prided ourselves on splitting responsibilities, covering each other’s expenses, and supporting one another. However, during my pregnancy, I quickly realized that being a mother and a father comes with different sets of expectations. Although we were both embarking on this new adventure together, I was the one experiencing the physical changes, with my body expanding and transforming to accommodate our little one.
This shift in our previously equal partnership was challenging for both of us. My partner felt guilty that he couldn’t fully comprehend what I was enduring, and I found myself envious of his ability to remain unaffected.
The balance was further disrupted once our baby arrived. My partner is a great dad, truly in love with our daughter, who seems to smile at him constantly. In contrast, I often have to coax her for a smile. He helps feed her when I can’t, bathes her, and plays with her during tummy time, encouraging her to roll over eventually.
The COVID-19 pandemic added another layer of complexity. I was about 12 weeks pregnant when lockdown began in March 2020. Before the pandemic, I had no doubts about returning to my role as Head of Marketing at an event venue after giving birth. However, the event industry took a significant hit, and my career faced setbacks. What started as temporary pay cuts became permanent part-time positions. We joined countless families grappling with the decision of whether to return to work post-baby.
When I was offered the part-time Head of Marketing position at the end of my maternity leave, I chose to decline. Marketing an event venue during a pandemic turned out to be more stressful than coping with the loss of household income. It was a difficult choice. Why would I walk away from a job during a time when many were struggling to find work? Was I making a mistake? How could I possibly juggle a part-time role, caring for a newborn, and searching for a full-time position?
One night, lying in bed, I was overwhelmed by jealousy. My partner never had to question returning to work after the birth of our daughter. He didn’t have to wrestle with his identity as both a father and a dedicated professional. He could embrace both roles without hesitation.
I cried for my career and the bumps in the road I faced due to the pandemic and my choice to become a mom. As I cautiously re-enter the job market, I still feel envious of the decisions I face in order to maintain my identity as a strong professional.
Should I switch to formula feeding? Is it wrong to even consider it? Why do I feel inadequate as a stay-at-home mom? What if my daughter starts needing someone else more than me?
It’s a continuous cycle of “what ifs” and “how wills.” While I rock her at night, I dream of reclaiming my professional self, wishing for a world where I can have it all. I look at her and remind myself that what she truly needs is a happy mom, a thought I have to reinforce daily.
For further insights, check out this related post here. If you’re considering home insemination, visit Make a Mom for expert advice on the subject. Additionally, for comprehensive information about pregnancy, the CDC offers valuable resources.
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Summary: The journey of new motherhood often comes with unexpected challenges and a mental load that can feel overwhelming. Balancing personal aspirations with the demands of parenting can lead to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. It’s essential to recognize the importance of self-care and emotional well-being for both the mother and child.
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