About three years ago, I decided to cut ties with my sister. The breaking point came when she erupted in anger upon learning I couldn’t attend our family Christmas gathering due to a devastating snowstorm that buried my town under 34 inches of snow. The storm broke records and made headlines around the world, prompting the National Guard to step in.
Her reaction revealed the deep-seated resentment she has always harbored toward me. I was called “selfish,” “a loser,” and a host of other hurtful names—insults I had endured for years. But this time, something shifted in me. After a lifetime of emotional turmoil, I finally declared that I was done.
Less than a year later, I welcomed my first daughter into the world. My sister has yet to meet her, nor has she met the baby I had last September. While it stings at times, I mostly feel a sense of relief knowing my children will be spared from her vitriol. Unlike much of my family, I believe that being related by blood doesn’t excuse someone from treating others with basic decency.
It took years for me to recognize my experiences as abuse. I recall her yanking my hair, orchestrating bullying sessions with other kids, and relentlessly teasing me about my teenage acne. She even invaded my privacy by reading my diary aloud to neighbors and urged me to end my life during moments of despair. Through countless insults and actions, the message was clear: I was worthless.
It wasn’t until I was happily married in my 30s that the torment ceased. I had longed for a reconciliation, hoping that maybe things could be different. Friends and family reassured me that sibling relationships typically grow stronger with age, yet no milestone could bridge the gap between us.
At her wedding, I endured hurtful comments amid her festivities and was even denied the chance to take a photo with her on my phone. Despite this, I foolishly made her a bridesmaid in my own wedding, only to have her mock my choices and skip out on the traditional pre-wedding festivities.
My parents often emphasized the importance of maintaining family ties, pushing the narrative that I needed to resolve things. Research indicates that sibling abuse commonly occurs in dysfunctional homes where boundaries are not enforced. Every time I sought help, I received the same dismissive advice: “You’re too sensitive, just ignore her.”
The embarrassment of admitting to our estrangement kept me connected to her. Many are shocked to learn that my two-year-old daughter has only met her aunt in passing at a family reunion. And now, with my sister announcing her pregnancy, the pain resurfaces.
I grieve for our troubled past, for learning about her pregnancy through an Instagram post, and for the fact that our children will never know each other. The next time we might see each other is likely at a family funeral.
Upon hearing her news, I felt a deep urge to reach out, but after seeking advice from a radio personality, I was told to stay away and seriously reconsider my relationship with our parents who allowed her behavior to persist. I’m processing these complex feelings with a therapist while finding joy in raising my two daughters.
Given my history, I had hoped for sons, thinking I could start anew. Instead, God gifted me two daughters, resembling the age difference between my sister and me. I’m still learning to be a mother, but one thing I know for sure is that I will not tolerate any abusive behavior. I actively encourage my older daughter to cherish her little sister and recognize the love in her big, toothless smiles.
They say having children offers a second chance at nurturing healthy relationships. I wonder if my daughters will develop a bond that will be healing for both them and me. For now, I take comfort in knowing they will never feel unsafe or unloved with me as their mother. If I accomplish nothing else in this life, I hope to succeed in that.
If you’re interested in learning more about family dynamics and personal growth, check out this related post from our other blog. For more insights into fertility and family planning, visit Make a Mom and Healthline, both excellent resources on these topics.
Summary
The author reflects on a painful estrangement from her sister, who has never met her children. The piece explores themes of abuse, family dynamics, and the hope of fostering a loving environment for her own daughters.
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