It’s been 246 days since my mother passed away, or 5,904 hours—though honestly, who’s keeping track? I’m not. The truth is, I lost my mother long before her physical death, to the grips of mental illness and alcoholism, to neglect, narcissism, and emotional abuse. Her passing has only added layers of complexity to my feelings. Grieving an estranged parent is incredibly challenging.
To understand my grief, it’s essential to delve into our relationship and her life. My mother was a fierce and difficult individual, set in her ways and burdened by a troubled past. When she was just 17, a serious car accident changed her life forever. Seatbelt laws were not in place, and she was ejected from her brother’s vehicle, suffering a fractured skull and weeks of hospitalization. On the day my father proposed, she was being wheeled into surgery for cyst removal. She said “yes” just moments before anesthesia took hold. Fourteen years later, she watched him succumb to a brain aneurysm, leaving her alone with two young children. These tragedies deeply affected her, transforming her into a shadow of the person she could have been.
As a child, I often felt neglected. My mother spent much of her time asleep, and by the age of 12, I had to take on adult responsibilities, caring for my younger brother and managing our household. My mother’s anger was often directed at us, her words laced with bitterness. I was frequently labeled as “stupid” or “worthless,” and at one point, she even called me a “mistake.”
Her harshness was matched only by her frequent swearing—“Screw this, to hell with that”—and while I can logically comprehend her struggles stemming from her own difficult upbringing, I still chose to distance myself as an adult. I moved out shortly after my eighteenth birthday and never looked back. Yet, as she aged and turned to alcoholism, I grappled with feelings of guilt and shame. I believed that if I had been there, I could have saved her from her demons. I was angry, feeling robbed of a nurturing relationship. Losing my father at twelve was already a trauma, and my mother’s decline solidified my sense of abandonment.
When she passed away, my emotions were a tangled web of relief, sadness, anger, and joy. An article from eCondolence highlights that losing an estranged parent can spark a complex mix of feelings that are tough for a child to navigate. The death of a parent, particularly one who was absent or estranged, can evoke unexpected and intense emotions.
There are days I mourn her absence; the finality of it breaks my heart. On other days, I find relief in her loss, grateful that she is no longer suffering and that I am free from the guilt and pain that had weighed me down. Some days, I feel utterly numb, struggling with an emptiness that feels monstrous. It’s disheartening to realize that such a profound loss can leave me feeling so hollow.
eCondolence notes that grief is a personal, unique experience, and it often encompasses a wide range of emotions. For those with strained relationships, sadness may not always be the first reaction. Instead, feelings of hurt and anger often surge to the forefront. The grieving process is not linear, and the traditional stages of grief may not fit when dealing with an estranged parent.
What Can One Do During This Tumultuous Time?
eCondolence suggests cherishing positive memories of the deceased as a way to anchor your emotions. I also advocate for seeking therapy; a compassionate professional can significantly aid in processing these feelings. Above all, be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel without the pressure of “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts.”
Does this make the journey any easier? Not necessarily. Even after nine months, I still grapple with my emotions, but I am slowly finding that my struggles are becoming less burdensome. The pain is gradually subsiding, and I’m learning to navigate my grief day by day.
If you’re interested in exploring more about navigating complex emotions surrounding parenthood, consider checking out this insightful piece on our blog. Additionally, for those interested in home insemination, this resource provides authoritative information on the topic.
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In summary, grieving an estranged parent is a complex and often conflicting emotional experience. It involves navigating feelings of sadness, relief, anger, and numbness. Embracing therapy and allowing oneself to feel without judgment can aid in the healing process, as one learns to cope with the many layers of grief.
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