Updated: March 26, 2021
It was Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2021. My partner and I had taken our 10-month-old and three-year-old to a playground and ordered takeout from our favorite restaurant. To anyone watching on social media, it appeared to be a delightful day.
However, when the kids were napping, my partner pulled me aside to announce that he had filed for divorce, hired a lawyer, and secured a rental home for us to move into within the next month. His words were clearly rehearsed, as he tried to communicate the news in the best way he could. By that point, we were both emotionally drained; he likely didn’t even realize the significance of the day.
The heartbreak I felt was profound. Honestly, “miserable” seemed like a step up; I felt worse than that. Within a year, I had been pregnant, given birth to another daughter, managed a demanding full-time job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all during a pandemic. I wouldn’t wish this chaotic experience on anyone.
Though I initially felt blindsided, the Valentine’s Day revelation wasn’t entirely unexpected. I had been expressing my desire for separation and mentioning divorce for over a year. My anger had simmered throughout my pregnancy and postpartum period, compounded by anxiety about COVID, the pressures of raising two young children, work demands, and the confinement of our small living space. The isolation of lockdowns and the well-meaning interventions from our families only added to the tensions. The challenges of navigating an interracial marriage against the backdrop of social issues further complicated matters. In the end, maybe the marriage was simply not meant to last, and life’s trials made that abundantly clear.
Before his announcement, I had harbored a lot of anger toward him, even joking about whether he would be worth more to me dead than alive (let me clarify, I do not wish him harm). In the throes of my anger, I started seeking information about divorce. My primary concern was the well-being of our children and finding ways to shield them from the fallout. There was also a small part of me that wanted to “win,” as if life were a competition and I wanted to come out on top. With the abundance of information available online, dramatized portrayals of divorce, targeted ads based on my late-night searches, and an industry profiting from couples’ split, it was easy to fall into a dark mindset—especially during such a trying time.
Gradually, I expanded my research beyond online forums. I immersed myself in books, attended free webinars offered by local organizations, listened to divorce-focused podcasts, spoke with a therapist, joined a virtual therapy group, and sought advice from others who had gone through similar experiences. I leaned on family and trusted friends for support. As I began my quest for knowledge—initially with the hidden agenda of coming out on top—I found myself turning inward. It was as if I had metaphorically regurgitated all my frustrations and was forced to reflect on my own actions.
I realized that my husband’s actions didn’t matter as much as my own response. I could only control my part of the situation. By sitting with my discomfort for long enough, I hoped to find some clarity and peace within myself. I wanted to create my own light rather than constantly seeking it externally.
Ultimately, my decision about the marriage needed to stem from a place of groundedness. When I had demanded a separation, I was not in a stable state of mind. My months of anger and blame were merely masks to help me cope. I saw similar patterns in others I spoke with—both men and women caught in unhappy marriages. Many men insisted their soon-to-be ex-wives had borderline personality disorder, while many women accused their soon-to-be ex-husbands of narcissism. It seemed unlikely that so many people fit these diagnoses; where were they when couples were getting married?
In the end, I concluded that I wasn’t ready for divorce and needed to focus on personal growth within the marriage. Ironically, the decision was taken out of my hands on a day dedicated to love. Perhaps this unexpected turn will become a significant act of love for myself. As I navigate this journey of healing and rebuilding, I need to learn to let go.
Letting go involves taking responsibility for my actions, mourning the marriage I envisioned, and moving forward, step by step, towards a better future—for myself and our children. It doesn’t matter if I was 5% or 95% to blame; there’s no magic formula for assigning fault. We all feel the pain of loss. My accountability in this marriage breakdown includes:
- Failing to establish and communicate clear emotional boundaries, leading to feelings of frustration.
- Allowing anxiety about the future to detract from my ability to be present and reflect on the past.
- Competing with my partner instead of fostering connection, which led to resentment and bitterness.
- Believing I could change my partner; my ego blinded me to the reality that I couldn’t control someone else’s choices.
- Focusing on winning arguments instead of nurturing the marriage.
- Using anger and blame to mask my own insecurities.
- Poorly communicating my vulnerabilities.
- Misguidedly believing that if adversity didn’t bring us closer, I needed to fight harder in the wrong direction.
Now that I recognize these patterns, I cannot ignore them. I must work on changing these behaviors—not just for myself, but also for my children. This will take time. I wish I could have embarked on this journey alongside my partner, but I accept that I will now navigate this path on my own, supported by a community I inadvertently created.
While I have much to be grateful for and acknowledge my privilege as a soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments of vulnerability, I strive to embrace a bigger life. Living large means leaning into vulnerability with intention, honesty, and kindness; pursuing self-actualization; and extending compassion to myself as much as I do to others. And, ultimately, it means letting go.
For more insights on personal journeys and self-discovery, you can visit this blog post. If you’re considering home insemination, you may also find valuable information at Make a Mom’s fertility supplements and the CDC’s FAQ on infertility.
Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s emotional journey during a divorce amid the COVID-19 pandemic. It highlights the struggles of managing personal expectations, emotional boundaries, and the impact of external pressures on relationships. The author emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and personal growth in navigating the complexities of divorce, while also acknowledging the challenges faced by families during such transitions.
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