I was three hours away from home when I received a text from my 16-year-old daughter. “I think I’m going to that party tonight,” she wrote. “And if I go, I might drink.”
Panic surged within me. I was at a cozy retreat with friends in the beautiful Santa Cruz mountains, just finishing dinner before heading back to our cabins for the night. My husband was out, so I couldn’t ask him to keep our daughter, Lily, from going out. A week before my trip, we had discussed the party and the potential for alcohol, but I had conveniently pushed it from my mind until that moment.
Teenagers often experiment with substances like alcohol, and most come out of it relatively unscathed. But from the day I found out I was pregnant with Lily, I made a promise to myself to do everything possible to steer her clear of alcohol. Ideally forever, but I figured 21 was a more realistic goal—at least by then, her brain would be more fully developed and, fingers crossed, she’d have improved impulse control.
You might see me as an overprotective mom, and I would agree. My concern stems from my husband and I being recovering alcoholics. Despite being sober for years, alcoholism runs rampant in our families. The fear that our child might inherit this struggle led me to delay motherhood until I felt it was almost too late. I was overjoyed when Lily was born, but I worried she might have inherited our predisposition for alcohol abuse.
I took my first drink at 13, and it quickly became my way to escape crippling anxiety. By the time I was Lily’s age, drinking until I passed out was a weekend routine for me. I often woke up confused in various places, while my friends moved on to college and careers. I accumulated a string of DUIs, failed relationships, and dead-end jobs.
For a long time, I believed that the best way to protect Lily was to scare her away from alcohol. My tactics seemed effective when she was younger; she would nod along to my anti-drinking speeches and promise she’d never touch it. But high school changed everything. When her friends began experimenting with alcohol, Lily echoed my “alcohol is evil” message, only to find herself isolated. Eventually, she made new friends and began to feel the pressure to fit in.
One evening, as she prepared to go out, I launched into my usual lecture about the dangers of drinking. Lily snapped back, saying, “I only say I don’t want to drink because I’ve been brainwashed by you! I might want to have a drink sometimes just to be social.” She reminded me of her trustworthiness, pointing out that she could easily have been drinking behind my back like some peers. I realized she was right. Although Lily has her flaws, lying isn’t one of them. We’ve always had a close relationship, talking about everything from drinking to school.
As much as I wish teenage drinking didn’t exist, it does. I didn’t want to alienate her with my rigid views. I needed to let go of my fears and allow Lily to navigate her own path.
That evening, I responded to her text: “I’d prefer if you didn’t drink, but I’m glad you told me. Call me.”
Despite the poor reception, we hashed out a plan. She had to be home by 11:30 PM and could only ride with her friend’s dad. I advised her to pace herself and avoid shots. Before we hung up, I promised to text her throughout the night.
She texted me first: “I think I’m tipsy.”
Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that Lily was not me. “How does it feel?” I replied.
“Kind of good, I guess. Not that exciting, really.”
A wave of relief washed over me.
A year has passed since that night. Lily doesn’t attend many parties, but when she does, she decides ahead of time if she’ll drink. She’s learned that she’s sensitive to alcohol; a few sips make her feel lightheaded. Unlike me at her age, that’s enough for her. She often opts out of drinking entirely.
We both understand the future is uncertain, especially with college and young adulthood on the horizon. That thought terrifies me. However, if Lily ever finds herself in trouble with alcohol, she knows she can reach out to me for support.
For more insights on parenting and related topics, you might find this blog post helpful.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of teenage drinking is challenging for parents. Open communication, trust, and understanding can foster a healthier relationship while allowing teens to make their own decisions.
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