The Day I Thought About Ending My Marriage

Updated: April 16, 2021

Originally Published: April 16, 2021

Photo by Aleksei Morozov/Getty

Today, I found myself contemplating the end of my marriage. But don’t be alarmed (we’re currently snuggled up on the couch), yet earlier this morning, around 8:34 a.m., I was engulfed in a fiery rage. My husband had volunteered to take our kids to school last night, and while I truly appreciated the offer, it would have meant more if he hadn’t been standing at the door huffing and rolling his eyes as they slowly finished breakfast and got ready to leave. I couldn’t help but hum to myself as he sped away, feeling like his help was more of a burden.

After he dropped the kids off, we exchanged heated texts, followed by a reconciliatory phone call, and eventually agreed to be kinder to one another amidst the stress that this past year has thrown at us. The pandemic has been tough on us, both as individuals and as a couple, and it has undoubtedly strained our relationship.

Over our 16 years together, we’ve tackled a lot: two doctorate degrees, significant student loan debt, and a child with special needs. We thought we were resilient before COVID-19, but looking back, we now see how we underestimated the challenges of constant togetherness, maintaining romance, and not letting the chaos of an unpredictable world tear us apart.

I’ve noticed that many mothers in my pediatric practice are feeling similarly irate towards their partners. We’re all eager for the pandemic to end (and the intense arguments that seem to accompany it). I recognize that once things improve, so too will our relationships. However, I don’t want to wait that long. Fortunately, we don’t have to.

From other successful mothers who have navigated both good times and crises, I’ve gleaned several key principles for effective co-parenting that can help reduce conflicts like the one I experienced today.

1. Forget About the 50-50 Myth

The idea of a perfect fifty-fifty split in parenting responsibilities is just that—a myth. It’s rare for tasks to be evenly divided. You might handle 90% of the laundry while your partner takes on just 10% of cooking. What matters is that neither of you is shouldering the majority of the responsibilities alone.

2. Share the Mental Load

Your partner can’t read your mind. Regularly sit down together to outline household tasks and responsibilities. Make sure to communicate when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Consider scheduling monthly family meetings to discuss your roles, similar to how you would plan a budget.

3. Delegate Duties Based on Practicality

Instead of adhering to traditional gender roles, divide tasks based on who has more free time or what each partner excels at. For instance, if you’re a new mother breastfeeding, you take on the feeding, while your partner can focus on soothing the baby.

4. Use a Common Language

Establish a way of communicating that resonates with both of you. If you share a passion for sports, frame discussions in terms of teamwork, like strategizing for a big game.

5. Leverage Technology

Utilize tools like shared calendars and communication apps to keep everyone on the same page. This promotes accountability and ensures no one is left in the dark regarding household activities.

6. Ignore Minor Irritations

Sometimes, you need to overlook eye rolls and sighs when handing off responsibilities. Acknowledge that offloading some of your mental load might be uncomfortable for your partner.

7. Practice Compassion

Recognize that we all carry stress into our relationships. Approaching each other with empathy can lead to fewer conflicts.

8. Step Back

Avoid micromanaging your partner’s parenting style. Empower them to take charge and trust them to do things their way. This not only fosters co-parenting but also alleviates resentment.

I acknowledge that I don’t always excel at this, as evidenced by my earlier frustrations. My husband sometimes feels like he’s just “helping” rather than co-parenting. By granting him more freedom and less criticism, he might feel more engaged and motivated in his role. Despite societal norms, we believe that equitable parenting partnerships are achievable.

For more insights, check out this blog post or explore resources like Make a Mom for expert advice. You can also find valuable information at Science Daily regarding fertility and home insemination.

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Summary:

In a moment of frustration, the author reflects on the challenges of marriage and parenting during the pandemic. Recognizing shared struggles, she offers practical advice on navigating co-parenting responsibilities, effective communication, and fostering empathy to strengthen relationships.