I Need to Shield My Daughter from My Family's Remarks About Her Weight

For nearly two years, I have been steering clear of my family, not out of animosity towards them, but out of concern for what they might say to my children. Initially, I distanced myself due to their comments on my two-mom family dynamic. As my teenager matured, remarks shifted to suggest that “he needs a father figure,” and eventually, they began commenting on my three-year-old’s weight gain. It seemed best to limit our interactions as much as possible.

The pandemic inadvertently made it easier to maintain this distance, halting my efforts to set boundaries with my family regarding discussions around weight, which often lead to hurt feelings. Growing up with the same family that I now feel compelled to protect my children from, I know how their comments can affect one’s self-esteem. While I understand that my family loves me, their remarks have made me acutely aware of my weight and food choices. My children, now five and fourteen, deserve protection from these discussions about their bodies and mental well-being. Establishing boundaries is challenging for me, but once in place, they become manageable.

The Impact of Family Comments

What our families say to us and our children holds significant weight. My daughter, who has a twin sister with a different body type, noticed her own shape at just five years old. She approaches us with heartbreaking questions like, “My belly is big, isn’t it?” or “Will you still love me if I can’t fit into that?” We reassure her of her beauty and emphasize that her worth is not determined by her appearance but by the kindness she shows to others.

This concern isn’t exclusive to my daughter; my son, who is tall and thin, faces a different set of comments, such as “You need to eat more” or “Those legs are so skinny.” In the past, I pushed him to eat more, fearing he might miss out on essential nutrients, especially given his sensory issues and medication that suppresses his appetite. However, I’ve come to understand the importance of letting him choose what feels right for his body.

Creating a Supportive Environment

Every child deserves to feel cherished and supported during family interactions. My relatives worry about the potential future implications of our children’s eating habits. As highlighted by Dr. Kahan in a 2015 blog post referenced in The New York Times, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice.” It’s particularly painful when the comments come from those who are supposed to provide unconditional love.

While we cannot predict our children’s future health, we are aware of the detrimental long-term effects of body shaming, including anxiety and eating disorders. Marlene Schwartz, a psychologist and director at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, warns that teasing a child does not motivate them to lose weight; rather, it can cause harm.

Our goal should be to nurture, not hurt, our children. When family members comment on our kids’ bodies or weight, we have the right to remind them that these topics are off-limits and that it’s our job, as parents, to handle it. The American Journal of Pediatrics also advocates for a non-judgmental approach, emphasizing the need to combat weight bias.

Choosing Upliftment Over Shame

Instead of resorting to shame, let’s choose to uplift our children. My daughter’s pediatrician exemplified this during a visit when he said, “Encourage her to enjoy healthier foods and to love her body.” His words left a lasting impact on both my daughter and me. Just like our family’s words, his words matter.

It’s my duty as a mother to safeguard my daughter, to stand up for her when she lacks the words to express herself, and to establish boundaries with my family. Discussing her weight is a topic I refuse to entertain with them. It’s not only unfair to her but also inappropriate. I recognize that my family means well, thinking they are helping by commenting on her body. However, they are unaware that their loving words, such as “You’re beautiful just the way you are,” or “Your smile lights up the room,” would support her emotional well-being. Ultimately, the comments they make now can do more harm than good, and I owe it to her to provide the protection I never received.

Summary

The author discusses the importance of protecting children from family comments about weight, emphasizing the need for boundaries and supportive language. They highlight the potential harms of shaming and the need for families to foster a positive environment for children, reinforcing that love and encouragement are crucial for their emotional health.