Domestic violence manifests in various ways, including emotional manipulation, fear, and financial abuse. Have you ever felt the need to justify every single purchase to your partner? Perhaps you’ve bought a small treat at the grocery store only to worry it must be consumed before you get home, fearing a backlash if they found out you spent even a few dollars on yourself. “Why are you so selfish? Don’t you think about anyone but yourself?” Even if it was the first few dollars you spent on yourself in months, they seem to forget that you work hard and earn your own money.
This scenario exemplifies financial abuse, a topic that often goes unaddressed. Many only recognize it after escaping such situations, as I did. I was naïve back then, unaware that financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic violence cases. It involves one partner wielding power and fear to maintain control over the other.
Growing up, I thought joint finances were simply a norm in marriage. My parents and grandparents shared finances, so I assumed it was the right way to do things. But as my marriage progressed, I found myself losing control over my own earnings. My paycheck would vanish as soon as it hit my account, leaving only a tiny allowance for groceries—strictly budgeted.
Even years later, shopping triggers memories of that anxiety. I would hold my breath as the cashier tallied my items, praying my total aligned with my calculations. The thought of having my card declined was utterly humiliating.
But financial abuse transcends mere money management; it also creates barriers to financial independence, making it harder for victims to leave. In my experience, my partner couldn’t completely prevent me from working, but their interference made it challenging to perform well in my job. They insisted I print and hand over my paycheck stubs, claiming it was for tax purposes, even though I knew my W-2s were sufficient. For years, I painstakingly modified these stubs while secretly saving money to escape.
The lengths I went to might seem excessive, but I was privileged to have a job that allowed me to open a bank account without fees and to make those edits. Yet, I knew deep down that I shouldn’t have to hide my earnings. The fear of potential repercussions often clouded my understanding of my legal rights.
My partner’s scrutiny of my spending, interference with my job, and control over my finances were clear signs of financial abuse. They instilled fear, blurring the lines between my rights and their demands, leaving me paralyzed and confused.
When a relationship shifts from mutual support to one where finances are weaponized, that’s abuse. While physical abuse is more easily recognized, forms of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse are harder to identify. Friends might ask, “Why don’t you just leave?” but the reality is much more complex. It took me over a decade to find a way out while feeling safe and deserving of a better life.
To anyone resonating with my experiences, know that you are not alone. You deserve love, respect, and the freedom to make your own choices. It can and will get better.
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