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Dear Maria and Jonathan,
It feels strange to refer to you as my parents. In my heart, I’ve never truly known what it means to have a nurturing family. You may have been physically present, but emotionally, you were absent.
For years, I battled with anger. You were correct; I do struggle with it. Being told to suppress negative feelings, feeling shamed for my pain, and constantly being gaslit has wreaked havoc on my emotional well-being. You instilled in me that anger equated to being a bad person. Yet, you were allowed to express your rage and verbal abuse, while I was left feeling guilty for simply having emotions. You sowed confusion in my mind, making me question my sanity and whether I was deserving of love.
The anger I felt was overwhelming. But more than anything, I found myself angry at myself. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why didn’t I measure up? These questions haunted me and led me to believe that I was the source of the problem. You taught me that you were never at fault, and I took that lesson to heart, blaming myself for the pain you inflicted.
I know I wasn’t the perfect child. I admit that I sometimes contributed to your stress. But that doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities as parents. It was never my fault; I was just a child.
I’ve longed for genuine apologies. I would reconsider reconnecting with you if I believed there was real change. But your apologies feel empty. They seem like mere words you think you’re supposed to say, rather than heartfelt acknowledgments of your actions. You hope I’ll forget the past and that we can resume our lives as if nothing happened. But your version of “normal” is anything but acceptable to me. I refuse to return to a place of self-loathing, fear, and feeling unloved.
The pain your apologies bring is more profound than if you had simply chosen to remain silent. You appear to believe that parents shouldn’t apologize to their children. When your apologies come with demands for me not to be upset, it becomes painfully clear that any hope I had for change is futile. You seem to think that parents are always right and that respect is owed regardless of their behavior.
I respected you. However, I believe respect is earned, not given unconditionally. I find it impossible to respect people who continuously harm their own children, exploiting their willingness to forgive instead of appreciating the chance to do better.
During our last encounter, Maria, your passive-aggressive comment about hoping nothing goes wrong with my children revealed your true feelings. It was as if you wished for me to understand your struggles through my own challenges as a parent. Jonathan, in your last letter, your focus on your difficulties in parenting felt like a projection of blame. I know you secretly hope that I will share your burdens, thus absolving you of your actions.
These words wounded me deeply and shattered any hope I had for change in you.
And yet, I want to express my gratitude for the lessons learned. Thank you, Maria and Jonathan, for illustrating the significance of parents sincerely apologizing to their children. Thank you for showing me that respect must be earned through responsible actions. Thank you for teaching me that true apologies require accountability and a commitment to change in order to foster trust and safety.
I am determined to do better for my children. If I ever hurt them, I will not hesitate to admit my wrongs. I will embrace their maturity and perspectives, and I will prioritize open dialogues where they can express their feelings without fear. When they think of safety and trust, I want them to think of me as their mother.
Thank you for demonstrating how NOT to parent.
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, you can find valuable information in this article, and be sure to check out other resources like this one from Make a Mom and this insightful guide on IVF processes here. For those considering at-home insemination kits, you might want to check out this post on Home Insemination.
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