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My youngest child, who is in 8th grade, recently returned to in-person classes for two days a week. This change has been positive for him, and it seems like he is starting to emerge from his teenage funk, which is a relief.
Last Monday, he asked if he could stay after school to help his science teacher prepare for the English teacher’s birthday celebration. Instantly, I felt uneasy. Last year, I discovered a few marijuana joints in his room, and he claimed they were gifts from a friend—the same friend he was caught throwing food with in the cafeteria. While I don’t blame that friend, I know my son is capable of making his own choices, and he understands right from wrong. He also knows the power of saying no, as he reminds me of that frequently.
Although he hasn’t gotten into any trouble during the year of virtual learning, I still sensed something was off. I agreed to let him stay but insisted on confirming with his teacher first. Thankfully, his teacher verified that he would indeed be there after school.
When I told him he could stay, he acknowledged my need to check up on him, assuring me that he wouldn’t lie. I’m sharing this not because he’s a perfect child but because I’ve learned the hard way about the importance of setting boundaries when my teenagers violate rules and trust.
Having tried to be the “cool” parent and give my kids chances too soon, I often ended up disappointed. My oldest had a friend they’d frequently get caught smoking pot with, yet I overlooked those moments, thinking they deserved another chance. My daughter went through a phase where she was often disrespectful, and I would reward her good behavior with treats and privileges she hadn’t earned. Over time, her attitude only worsened.
This cycle reinforces the truth: without clear boundaries, children will push limits, especially teenagers. If I don’t stand firm, they will take advantage of my leniency. As parents, we set the standard for how we are treated.
I recognize that teenagers can be moody and face challenges that affect their behavior. While I strive to be understanding, it’s crucial to maintain both respect for myself and our relationship through clear boundaries and consequences. When they exhibit sassiness, I ask what’s bothering them and let them know I’m here to help, but I refuse to be a punching bag.
For example, if they violate curfew or aren’t honest about their whereabouts, I restrict their phone use and social time. I’ve learned that checking in on them doesn’t make me overbearing; it reminds them they need to earn back my trust. If I didn’t enforce these rules, they’d likely revert to sneaky behaviors.
Reflecting on my upbringing, I recall how my mother overlooked our antics, which led to a loss of respect. Boundaries also minimize wasted time—my time is valuable too. When I pick them up from their father’s house, they know to be ready and not make me wait endlessly.
There needs to be a balance. Everyone has off days, and I certainly don’t want to create a military-like atmosphere where my kids feel restricted. But after raising three teenagers, I understand that without firm boundaries, they will take advantage of me, complicating life for everyone involved.
Remember, you establish boundaries to teach them how to respect others. It’s not an easy task, but the effort will pay off; kids raised without boundaries often struggle when they become independent. I’d rather have them dislike me for a while than face the consequences of a lack of discipline later in life.
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Summary:
Setting boundaries is essential when managing teenage behavior. Clear expectations and consequences help teach respect and accountability, ultimately guiding them toward becoming responsible adults.
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