How I Discovered How to Support My Anxious Partner

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I vividly remember the significance of the vows I took on my wedding day—“in sickness and health.” I envisioned myself nursing my husband through every ailment, from a mild cold to something far more serious. I imagined being the epitome of care, attending to his needs with grace and a touch of flair. However, when it came to the emotional support that he truly required, I was far from prepared.

After four years of marriage and the arrival of our first child, my husband, Mike, faced a panic attack while I was away on a short trip with our son. His distress escalated, and I rushed back to him, determined to fulfill my role as a supportive spouse. I had pictured myself as a crisis champion—ready to soothe him through his anxiety.

But there was a catch: when I’m anxious, I tend to overtalk. Instead of providing comfort, I found myself rambling about trivial things, completely missing the mark on what he needed in that moment. A week later, he began medication for his anxiety, and I discovered I was pregnant again. Our small apartment was becoming increasingly chaotic, and it dawned on me that my previous ideas of support didn’t align with the reality of living with someone who has anxiety.

Fast forward to today, and our once-cozy one-bedroom apartment is filled with the delightful chaos of two young children and a dog. Amid this whirlwind, I began to worry whether my kids might inherit their father’s anxiety. I felt unprepared to guide them through their own potential struggles. The societal pressures on mothers to be all-encompassing caregivers only added to my unease.

Recognizing the need for improvement, I sought guidance from a psychologist friend, leading to the creation of a children’s book inspired by my experiences. This book features an anxious hedgehog reminiscent of Mike and a chatty squirrel—a nod to my own tendencies. Through this journey, we have strengthened our bond, aided by counseling and newfound insights into supporting those with anxiety.

Here are some valuable tips I learned about being there for an anxious partner:

1. Respect Privacy: Your partner may not appreciate you standing outside the bathroom door discussing grocery choices. They need their space, not a stream of random thoughts.
2. Avoid Restraints During Sleep: Ensure your partner has a peaceful sleep environment instead of wrapping them in an awkward embrace. They may have their own routines for winding down.
3. Maintain Personal Space: Even if you enjoy spontaneous affection, your partner may require their own area to recharge, especially if they’re engaged in something calming like watching a show.
4. Skip the Surprise Outings: A spontaneous picnic may seem romantic, but it could trigger anxiety. It’s best to plan events that feel safe for your partner.
5. Be Cautious in Creativity: Writing a children’s book featuring your partner as a character may not go over well. They might prefer to stay out of the spotlight.

If you’re looking to navigate your own journey in supporting a partner with anxiety, you might also find useful tips in our other blog posts. Additionally, for those considering parenthood, resources like Make A Mom offer invaluable information on home insemination. For more insight on pregnancy-related topics, check out Johns Hopkins Medicine.

Summary

Learning to support an anxious partner requires understanding and adjustment. Through education and creativity, I’ve discovered ways to help my husband cope with his anxiety while also preparing to guide our children through potential challenges.