You Don’t “Owe” Your Partner Intimacy

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Intimacy is a complex and often charged subject. While the word “sex” is brief—just three letters—it carries significant weight in our lives. It’s a blend of sensuality and excitement, often tapping into our deepest desires. However, the true allure of intimacy lies not just in the physical act but in its profound effects on our mood and mental well-being. Research from Medical News Today highlights that “intimacy has been linked to enhanced moods and both psychological and physical relaxation.”

Yet, not everyone feels inclined toward sex at all times. A study from 2017 uncovered that 19 percent of adults don’t engage in sexual activity regularly, and a staggering 40 percent of women consciously avoid it. Many go through phases of low desire, and despite this, some partners may feel entitled to intimacy as if it’s a “spousal duty.” This perspective is not just misguided; it’s harmful and unfair.

For many, this reality is self-evident. You might agree wholeheartedly that sex should never be obligatory. Yet, some individuals face pressure to engage in intimacy. They may feel manipulated or coerced, leading to feelings of shame or guilt when they’re not in the mood. For them, sex can feel more like a chore—something to check off a list—rather than an expression of love. Some may even resort to it simply to pacify their partner, hoping for a few days of peace.

This approach is unsustainable and potentially damaging. Zhana Vrangalova, a noted sex researcher and New York University professor, emphasizes that it’s entirely normal for sexual desires to ebb and flow due to various biological, psychological, and relational factors. Reasons for a lack of desire can be diverse: fatigue from a demanding job or parenting, discomfort from physical ailments, or emotional struggles like depression. Additionally, life changes such as menopause can significantly impact libido.

Most people desire a fulfilling intimate life, but no one should feel obligated to share their body. Intimacy should never feel like a responsibility or an item on a marital checklist. There’s no mention of specific sexual acts in wedding vows, and everyone has the right to say “no.” Your body is your own, and you have autonomy over it. Declining intimacy does not imply you are wrong or flawed. You owe no one your time, attention, or even your affection—especially not when it comes to sex.

Open communication with your partner is essential. Discuss your feelings and any struggles with desire. A loving partner will strive to understand, even if they don’t fully grasp your perspective. If they fail to empathize, it’s worth reconsidering the relationship. There should be no shame in voicing your feelings and needs. Remember, saying “no” is always your right.

For further insights on related topics, check out this blog post. If you’re looking for ways to boost fertility, visit Make a Mom, a trusted authority on the subject. The CDC also provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, which you can find here.

Summary

Understanding that intimacy should never feel like an obligation is crucial for a healthy relationship. It’s important to communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and needs. Remember, you have the autonomy to choose what happens with your body, and saying “no” is acceptable.

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