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One of my earliest memories involves an adult remarking on my long, elegant legs when I was just five years old. I was sitting on a bench, my short, sun-kissed legs stretched out before me. That moment stands out vividly; I transitioned from viewing my legs as mere tools for movement to seeing them as potential sources of validation. The conclusion my young mind reached was clear: “Long” legs are desirable.
My grandmother frequently declared me one of the most beautiful children to ever exist, a sentiment likely echoed by many grandparents about their grandchildren. However, my early involvement in beauty pageants and cheerleading reinforced the notion that beauty was a pivotal theme in my life. Compliments on my appearance poured in from various sources, and even before puberty, I faced inappropriate remarks about my looks from my father’s friends. This constant affirmation of beauty made the thought of not being pretty feel genuinely frightening.
To put it bluntly, I wasn’t an exceptional beauty according to the standards of the time. Adults believed that showering children with compliments about their appearance would bolster their self-esteem. Many readers may resonate with the continuous focus on looks that marked their childhoods, shaped by the relentless societal standards of beauty that dominated the ‘80s, ‘90s, and ‘00s. We were bombarded with messages on what beauty should look like: white, slender, tall, symmetrical, and flawless.
As I move into middle age, I find myself frustrated by the time I wasted fixating on my appearance. I’m ashamed of ever taking pride in my looks and annoyed that I still occasionally spend precious moments disheartened by the changes of aging. For years, my somewhat attractive face received affirmation, and as it begins to sag, I question how I can still maintain self-love. It’s ridiculous to even dwell on such thoughts.
We need to do better—not just for ourselves, but for future generations. I appreciate the social movements that promote a more inclusive definition of beauty, celebrating all sizes, shapes, and colors. However, we must also be cautious about making our compliments primarily about appearance. Beauty is fleeting, subjective, and arbitrary. Basing someone’s self-confidence, or worse, their self-worth, on their looks intertwines their identity with appearance, which should remain separate.
Complimenting someone on their weight loss, for example, sets an implicit expectation regarding their body shape. What happens if their body changes? Are they still deserving of praise? Compliments about looking youthful can create anxiety around aging. If we define someone’s identity by their appearance—like complimenting “good hair”—the implications can be damaging if circumstances change.
Ultimately, beauty is inconsequential. It is all temporary and does not define who a person truly is. This doesn’t mean we should avoid compliments altogether. Context matters—if someone looks especially lovely on a particular day, it’s perfectly fine to express that admiration.
I recognize my perspective is shaped by my experiences as a white woman in a world where the beauty standards often reflected my own features. I can’t fully grasp the struggles of individuals who don’t see their representation in the prevailing beauty ideals.
For instance, a thoughtful piece by Alex Johnson highlighted the importance of parents affirming the beauty of their Black children. My kids are half Peruvian, and while I often focus my compliments on their non-physical attributes, when I do acknowledge their appearance, I emphasize their beautiful heritage. This is crucial in a still predominantly white culture.
As a parent, I genuinely believe my kids are gorgeous, making it tempting to focus on their physical traits. Yet, I consciously strive to highlight their qualities unrelated to looks. I want to celebrate their energy, passions, creativity, and the feelings they evoke in others. Examples of such compliments include:
- “Your smile is contagious.”
- “Your laugh lights up the room.”
- “You have such a strong presence.”
- “You’re endlessly creative!”
- “I admire your determination.”
These affirmations remind us that our contributions to the world and how we impact others are far more significant than our physical appearance. Shifting the focus from looks to character and actions ensures that we uplift what truly matters, aspects of ourselves that endure beyond fleeting beauty.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and self-image, check out this blog post. Additionally, if you’re exploring the topic of home insemination, Make A Mom offers valuable resources. For understanding the IVF process, this article is an excellent guide.
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In summary, it’s essential to shift our compliments from focusing solely on physical attributes to cherishing the qualities that define who we are. By emphasizing the inner attributes that truly matter, we can foster a culture that values contributions over appearance.
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