My Partner and I Took a ‘Gap Year’ from Our Marriage

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A “gap year” is often associated with high school graduates taking a break to explore their identities before diving into adulthood. Surprisingly, this concept can also apply to marriage. When my partner and I stumbled upon this idea, it unexpectedly helped us navigate our way back from the brink of divorce.

Initially, taking a gap year was not on our radar. Our marriage was struggling, and to be honest, we hadn’t felt like ourselves for quite some time. From the outset, we faced challenges that many couples bring to counseling, and our relationship was riddled with issues.

Blending our families proved difficult, compounded by financial strains from raising a large household on a single income. Additionally, we both carried emotional baggage from our pasts. Our love for each other was intense, but years of arguments and unkind words had taken their toll.

Divorce wasn’t our desired outcome. We both believed that if we could just get it together, our marriage could be wonderful again—because at one time, it truly was. But exhaustion—both mental and physical—was overwhelming. A brief stint in counseling didn’t help; it only made the situation feel worse. It became clear that if we continued on this path, resentment would consume us both.

So, I moved out. At first, the kids were relieved; the fighting had ceased, at least when they were around. Communication continued through texts and calls, but eventually, those too dwindled. Being apart eliminated the trivial arguments that had plagued us. We didn’t confront the deeper issues until we were several months into our separation, only seeing each other briefly while coordinating visits with the kids.

During the first three months, anger consumed me. I struggled with the decision to leave and felt guilty for not finding a solution. I delved into relationship literature until I found Dr. Kevin Lehman’s “How To Have A New Husband By Friday”. His insights resonated, revealing that the key to transforming any relationship starts with self-improvement.

The next three months were dedicated to my personal growth. I began weightlifting to manage my anger, followed my doctor’s advice for my fibromyalgia, and felt a shift in my well-being. Better sleep became pivotal for my mental clarity—before, everyday situations felt like battles.

I rekindled old hobbies like gardening and even resumed playing video games and bullet journaling, activities I had abandoned after getting married. I had often felt obligated to prioritize my spouse’s needs above my own, leading to resentment and a loss of identity. However, during my time alone, I reconnected with friends and rediscovered my individuality.

After six months, we started to reconnect. We missed each other, but it was different this time—not merely out of loneliness, but a genuine longing for each other’s presence. I recognized that what we shared was irreplaceable, and I had never sought out anything comparable.

Our life together was far from perfect, but I learned to appreciate the uniqueness of our relationship. I realized that the everyday stressors had clouded our appreciation for each other. Once I could step back from the anger and hurt, it became clear that we didn’t need divorce; we needed honest communication.

I’m not spontaneous, but my partner is. So, when we finally sat down to discuss our feelings, it felt more like a board meeting than a confrontation. Instead of accusations, we expressed how situations affected us, leading to a surprisingly calm dialogue. It was refreshing to share our truths without the fear of reigniting old wounds.

In counseling, I often felt attacked; my viewpoint seemed insignificant. However, in my temporary apartment, I found a neutral space where I could articulate my feelings without anger clouding my perspective. I was no longer weighed down by resentment.

We continued our separation while focusing on self-improvement. I pursued self-help literature, a venture I hadn’t previously explored. At 40, I was uncertain about my desires, but I was willing to discover them. Meanwhile, my partner committed to his own self-growth, evolving into a better version of himself.

As our gap year drew to a close, it became evident that we had both transformed immensely. He had developed a higher emotional intelligence, learning to recognize and navigate my moods without taking them personally. He had always excelled socially; now, he understood that emotions are meant to be experienced, not fixed.

I, too, had grown. My patience and understanding of his feelings had increased. I recognized that masculinity doesn’t preclude vulnerability, allowing myself to express my feelings openly. I learned that self-care is crucial—not selfish, but beneficial for our relationship.

I’m excited to move back in with him. We’ve demonstrated that we can effectively manage conflict using the skills we’ve acquired. Most importantly, we’ve rekindled our love, rediscovering each other in a way that mirrors the affection we once felt.

We’ve also broken free from codependency, realizing that we can thrive independently, yet we choose to be together. Our gap year equipped us with the tools to enhance our individual selves, ultimately strengthening our bond.

I look ahead with a renewed sense of optimism. This year apart provided the perspective we needed, highlighting the enduring foundation of a successful marriage. Love is a daily choice, built on the assurance that no matter the distance—be it emotional or physical—our partner will always be there. This understanding is the cornerstone of a lasting, fulfilling marriage.

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Summary:

After facing significant challenges in their marriage, a couple decides to take a “gap year” apart. This time allows them to focus on self-improvement, which ultimately leads to a meaningful reconnection. Their separation helps them to grow individually, develop better communication skills, and rediscover their love for one another. They learn to appreciate their relationship’s uniqueness and commit to a healthier future together.