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Last fall, my five-year-old son, Alex, stared at his computer screen and exclaimed, “Hey, I am NOT a GUY!” In that moment, he expressed the inadequacy of the term “you guys” in capturing his unique identity. Something felt off, and he was right.
At that time, both of my children were engaged in remote learning. My days were filled with Zoom-related outbursts directed at – yes, me, Mom. But on this particular day, my first grader chose to raise his voice at one of his favorite teachers instead. It was a welcome, albeit brief, break from the norm.
While I don’t advocate for yelling at teachers – we hold them in high regard in our household – I felt a sense of pride in that moment. Why? Because, at such a young age, he had spoken his truth, demonstrating a fundamental lesson we often learn over a lifetime: our words hold significant power.
The words we choose, especially as parents or educators, profoundly impact a child’s self-worth and their sense of belonging in the world. They can confer power and privilege, yet this influence is often overlooked. The lasting effects of our language on others are frequently only recognized in hindsight. How our words inspire or wound, empower or diminish, validate or erase can be monumental.
With his shout, my son not only pointed out the disconnect between “you guys” and his rich self-identity, but he also raised important questions worth examining. Should we continue to use “you guys”? Is it truly a gender-neutral term? Do our children accept this phrase, or has it simply been imposed on them?
You might wonder what the fuss is about. After all, “you guys” seems to be a catch-all expression, right? It’s ubiquitous, heard from friends, family, the media, and even political and community leaders. It’s not just men who use it; people from all walks of life and backgrounds say it. I identify as progressive and feminist, and yes, I’ve used it too!
Though the pandemic has brought significant challenges, it has also prompted many to reevaluate what truly matters in their lives. Personally, I’ve taken a deeper look at my responsibilities as a parent, which sometimes took a backseat to my professional life.
Soon after spending more time at home with my kids, I noticed they were defaulting to male pronouns when describing the world around them. A dog passing by was a “he.” A deer in our yard? “He” again. Even a butterfly fluttering through our garden was referred to as a “he.” I felt disheartened.
While I had consciously reduced my use of “you guys” at work, I still found myself saying it at home, including when talking to my children. I recognized my role in perpetuating the issue and explained to them why the term was nonsensical. They quickly declared me wrong once more.
Upon reflection, using “you guys” can be misleading. At worst, it conveys to any child who doesn’t identify as a “guy” that their identity is overlooked. It suggests their existence can be subsumed by the male gender, akin to using “mankind” to describe humanity. This phrase reflects and perpetuates the pervasive gender inequities that plague our society. Regardless of intent, its impact can be damaging.
Language has long been intertwined with the fight for equality and justice. Marginalized groups have reclaimed dehumanizing words to build personal and political power. Phrases can mobilize movements. Just two words, “MeToo,” united countless survivors in a community that values their healing and amplifies their power to effect change. The Black Lives Matter movement, too, has sparked a global wave of activism focused on racial equity. I recall reading that the founders of Black Lives Matter were advised against using that specific phrase; yet, it is precisely those words that resonate today, guiding necessary discussions on race.
I’m truly grateful that Alex recognized the flaws in using “you guys” last September. Children have a remarkable ability to awaken us to the changes needed both personally and societally. When they share their honest critiques, we must listen.
Since that moment, our family has committed to avoiding “you guys” and nurturing our collective awareness. We’ve engaged in meaningful conversations with family, friends, and educators, often finding that my children lead the charge. Throughout this process, they are learning vital skills about self-advocacy and connecting with their own power.
Many writers, activists, and scholars have already addressed the need to stop using “you guys.” My hope is that people will adapt their language not just in professional settings, but also at home and in schools. By altering just a few words, we can offer our children the gift of being fully seen, enabling them to grow into their authentic selves.
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In summary, it’s essential for us to reconsider our language and the profound implications it holds, particularly in how we address our children. By becoming aware and making intentional changes, we can foster an environment where every child feels acknowledged and valued.
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