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Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts
About a year and a half ago, I wrote an article about my decision to start taking medication for anxiety and depression after reaching a desperate low point. The change was remarkable; I felt like a new person, a much improved version of myself. However, the origins of my anxiety and depression remain unclear. Was it becoming a mother at a young age? The overwhelming dynamics within my family? A history of undiagnosed eating disorders that lingered from my teenage years? Or was it the postpartum experience? Perhaps it was the comparison to my sister’s seemingly perfect life, complete with a beautiful wedding and family? I can’t pinpoint the cause.
What I do know is that medication turned my life around. Yet, shortly after that initial success, I made the decision to stop taking it. I gained a few pounds, and for me, that was a dealbreaker. It may sound irrational, but my weight seemed more important than my mental well-being. So, I stopped the medication and canceled my follow-up appointment.
A few months later, I returned to my doctor, seeking an alternative that wouldn’t lead to weight gain. I tried a new prescription but stopped after a couple of weeks, paralyzed by the fear of gaining weight. I’d rather endure the crushing weight of depression and anxiety than face a few extra pounds.
In January 2021, I hit an even lower point. I thought I had reached rock bottom before, but this time was different. Overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts and anxiety, I went back to my doctor and asked for the same medication that had previously helped me, declaring that I would choose to be “overweight and happy” rather than miserable.
During the time I was off medication, I battled with thoughts of ending my life. I imagined scenarios where I wouldn’t be here anymore and wrote letters to my family, expressing my love and regret. I would cry alone in my car, feeling angry not at my family, but at myself. I was too ashamed to seek help, feeling like a burden to those around me, even though I knew I needed it.
In January, I finally reached out to my doctor, begging to be put back on medication. I expressed that without it, I didn’t know how much longer I could go on. I pictured my children wondering where I was and feeling guilty for not being there for them. The thought of my husband grieving over my absence was unbearable, as was the idea of my family blaming themselves for my struggles.
Despite feeling ashamed that I struggled in a seemingly good life, I knew I needed help. I was terrified to tell my husband I was going back on medication and worried about my parents’ reaction. I felt like a burden, but I had to prioritize my mental health.
I felt trapped in a cycle of hopelessness. It was shocking to learn that not everyone experiences daily suicidal thoughts; I had thought it was normal for so long. I was in a constant state of guilt and sadness, questioning why I felt this way despite having a loving family and a good life.
Recently, I went back to my doctor and admitted that the previous medication was not working as well this time. I’m now taking two antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and a sleeping aid. I’ve embraced the idea that needing medication is not something to be ashamed of. I want my children to remember a happy mom, and I deserve to find joy in life.
I’ve come to understand that what is truly selfish is allowing myself to fade away rather than fighting for my children, my husband, and my own well-being. I am determined to seek happiness for myself and my family. I want my children to have a joyful mom, and I want to be happy.
I encourage anyone who feels lost to reach out for help. You are not alone, and you deserve to live a fulfilling life. There is support available, and it’s essential to prioritize your happiness and health.
If you want to learn more about the journey to parenthood, check out this blog post. For more information about home insemination, visit Make A Mom for valuable resources. Another great source for insights on pregnancy is Facts About Fertility.
Summary
This article discusses the author’s journey with mental health, the decision to start and stop medication for anxiety and depression, and the realization that seeking help is essential. The narrative emphasizes the importance of prioritizing mental health and breaking the stigma surrounding medication. The author encourages readers to reach out for help and highlights the value of support systems for a fulfilling life.
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