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This past weekend, I settled into my partner’s swivel chair to finish up an article when I noticed a stack of photos sitting next to his monitor. They had been there since we first got together a year ago. I’d browsed through them a couple of times before, but that morning, I figured I’d take another look.
I first glanced at the two larger photos of us that had been added recently—one from our camping trip and another by a lake with friends. Next, I saw two photo strips featuring him and some male buddies. But then I came across the two photos I really didn’t want to see. It was like that instinct to stalk an ex on social media—you know you shouldn’t, but you can’t help yourself.
One photo showed him with his ex-girlfriend and another woman. The other, a small polaroid, was just the two of them—he and his ex, the only woman he ever lived with—beaming at the camera, her arms wrapped around him. They looked so blissfully happy.
I turned to him, who was lying in bed, and asked, “Why are these all here?”
“Well, I was thinking of hanging them up,” he replied, stifling a yawn.
“All of these? You want to put up a picture of you and your ex?” I held up the polaroid for him to see.
“Um, I don’t know… I hadn’t thought too much about it, but maybe.”
I stared at the picture, then back at him. He stood up and walked over behind me, glancing at the photo I was holding. We shared a moment of silence, and as I waited for him to say something like, “Just kidding! Why would I put up a picture of my ex?” my frustration began to simmer.
After a moment of silence, I finally said, “Okay,” with a hint of annoyance. It felt almost like he was messing with me. I handed him the photo.
“I don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable. I just thought it was a nice memory,” he said, tossing the photo back into the pile.
I moved to the other side of the room and turned back. “But you guys aren’t really friends anymore, so why does she deserve a spot on your wall?”
“Well, I’m not really friends with these people either,” he replied, picking up another photo of him with some unfamiliar faces, all wearing goofy hats and fake mustaches. “I don’t talk to any of them anymore, but this was still a nice moment I want to remember.”
I felt my frustration bubbling up again, but his logic was compelling. It was time to bring out my last resort—something I’d avoided saying because I thought it might sound childish. “How would you feel if I put up a picture of me and my ex?”
He was ready for that. “I’m not sure. Maybe it would feel a little weird, especially if that was the only picture you had up. But if it was just one of many, then I think I’d be okay with it.”
I sighed, contemplating the situation. Most people would be uncomfortable with their partner displaying an ex’s photo, but knowing that others might feel the same didn’t lessen my frustration.
I considered the idea of putting up a photo of my most recent ex, but I quickly dismissed it. That wound wasn’t fully healed. But what about older exes? I reminisced about the past and how I enjoyed finding old pictures on Facebook. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so outlandish to hang up some pictures of distant exes. I appreciated those experiences, and just because I no longer loved them didn’t mean I didn’t respect the time we had together.
Similarly, just because he had loved this woman doesn’t mean he still harbored those feelings. The fact he could look at that photo without sadness likely indicated he had moved on. And even if he still held some affection for her, what was wrong with that? It showed he valued his past relationship, and maybe I could feel happy for him about that.
In the end, lingering feelings for an ex didn’t necessarily indicate problems in our relationship. His affection for her didn’t diminish his feelings for me. Perhaps I needed to relent, wave the white flag, and accept that there might not be a solid reason for him not to hang those photos—except for my own insecurities.
“If it bothers you, I don’t have to put it up,” he reassured me, stroking my hair gently. “I just thought it was a nice memory.”
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with it, but I think I understand.” I managed a small smile as my frustration eased. “How about we revisit this conversation in a year when you finally get around to hanging those photos?”
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Summary
In a relationship, the discomfort of seeing an ex’s photo can spark a conversation about memories and feelings. While one partner considers hanging a picture of their ex, the other feels uneasy. Through discussion, they explore the nature of past relationships and the significance of memories, ultimately leading to a compromise for future conversations about personal boundaries.
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Blog Post, Relationships, Ex-Partners, Communication, Personal Boundaries
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