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Trigger warning: disordered eating
Ah, the toxic diet culture. Growing up in the early 2000s, it felt like a rite of passage. I attended weight loss meetings with my parents and learned how to count calories at a young age. I even tried my first diet shake during my pre-teen years.
As I entered my teenage years, fashion trends like low-rise jeans dominated, but the pressure to have a long, lean physique felt never-ending. However, that body type was never in the cards for me genetically.
Throughout my adolescence and early twenties, I found myself chasing every quick fix that promised to slim my thighs. The fleeting moment when I saw my collar bones made me feel dainty and beautiful, but it was just the beginning of a long struggle with an eating disorder.
My battle began when I started high school. I experienced newfound freedom and, for the first time, no one noticed when I skipped lunch or replaced it with diet soda. I was on a pom-pom squad (dance team) and felt like an outsider as I developed curves while other girls remained thin.
I hated that I couldn’t shop in the juniors’ section at just 14, while my classmates could. I felt shame when others showed off their tanned, toned bodies in tiny shorts. My inability to roll my shorts more than once made me feel inadequate. I wanted to flaunt my hip bones, but they seemed to vanish when I stood up. I convinced myself that nothing would taste as good as being thin felt.
The next four years were a vicious cycle of yo-yo dieting, calorie restriction, and binge eating. Ironically, I couldn’t tell you what I weighed during that time because I was so focused on how I felt physically. The true power of my eating disorder lay in my destructive inner dialogue. It’s essential to understand that eating disorders are not solely about the body; they are deeply intertwined with mental health.
From the outside, I appeared to be a typical 5’5″ young woman—neither excessively thin nor morbidly obese. However, the reality of my struggle was hidden beneath the surface. I fell into the category of OSFED (Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders), making it difficult for me to seek help.
While I never dropped below 100 pounds, I meticulously planned every calorie I consumed, adhering to strict rules about what I could eat. I didn’t purge after binge eating, but I punished myself with extreme exercise. I was terrified of anyone outside my family seeing me eat, convinced they saw me as a failure. In reality, they would have simply thought I should eat when hungry. My eating disorder twisted my perception into believing I was unworthy.
After nearly a decade of this behavior, I suffered immense damage to my metabolism and insulin sensitivity, affecting my ability to lose weight even now. I tried every diet imaginable: Weight Watchers, Atkins, Keto, and even questionable appetite suppressants.
Because I didn’t fit the typical mold of an eating disorder case, finding help was challenging. My turning point came with the birth of my daughters, in 2012 and 2014, which began my recovery journey. Seeking treatment for mental health issues like anxiety and depression played a significant role in my healing.
The most potent motivation for my recovery was ensuring my daughters would not endure the same pain I did. Toxic diet culture is still prevalent, but we can actively work to dismantle its harmful narratives.
Body acceptance and healthy relationships with food have made significant progress since the early 2000s, yet we have much work to do. In our home, we prioritize positive relationships with food and body image:
- We eat to fuel our bodies for fun activities like jumping rope and playing games.
- We don’t label food as good or bad; it’s simply fuel, whether sweet or salty.
- We move our bodies to feel strong and healthy; exercise should never be a punishment.
My daughters are currently 6 and 8, and I hope their experiences will be vastly different from mine. All I can do is maintain open dialogues with them and model what true body acceptance looks like.
For more insights on this topic, check out our other blog post here. If you’re on a fertility journey, this site is an excellent resource. For additional information on family-building options, consider visiting Resolve.
Summary: The author reflects on her struggles with diet culture and disordered eating, vowing to prevent her daughters from experiencing the same pain. She emphasizes the importance of fostering a positive relationship with food and body image at home.
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