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My partner and I take turns spending weekends at each other’s homes. Recently, he helped me rake up the leaves in my yard—something I tend to neglect in the fall. He also assisted with putting in my air conditioners. The following weekend, we tackled some yard work at his place, which involved seeding his lawn and trimming trees. I truly appreciate his help, as I believe when you’re in a relationship, you should work as a team.
However, I’ve come to realize this dynamic has changed because his mother lives nearby and frequently comes over to assist him with anything he needs. Consequently, he isn’t accustomed to taking care of household tasks on his own. I’ve encouraged him to handle things independently, explaining that it often takes less time and effort than waiting for his mom to show up.
For instance, when he couldn’t locate some hay he thought he had, he immediately called his mother. When she didn’t pick up, I pointed out that we could have been halfway to the store in the time he spent leaving a message. Similarly, when he encountered a problem with his hose, he again reached out to his mom for assistance.
Over the years, I’ve noticed this is a pattern for him. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or any other household chore, he often relies on his mother to come and do it for him. She even painted his shed last year, planted gardens in his front yard, and decorated his home for Christmas. While I appreciate their close bond and understand that, as a busy single dad, he benefits from her help, it does frustrate me at times. I find myself exclaiming, “Really? You’re calling your mom about a clogged sink? Can’t you handle it yourself?” After all, she’s nearing seventy and likely has her own priorities besides scrubbing his bathtub.
This situation has made me reflect on my parenting approach. I want my children to understand that while I’m here to help them when necessary, they are capable of managing tasks on their own. When they grow up, I want them to rely on me as a last resort, not as their first option.
Initially, I kept my feelings to myself, not wanting to interfere in their relationship. I also considered that perhaps I felt this way because my own parents have never been very hands-on. My father, a skilled carpenter, hasn’t visited my home since my divorce to offer assistance, and my mother, who also lives nearby, often needs help herself. While it can be disheartening, this lack of support has taught me independence and resourcefulness. If I ever needed something done, I’d have to figure it out myself.
I tread lightly regarding my boyfriend’s relationship with his mother. She clearly enjoys helping him; otherwise, she would likely set boundaries. Still, there are moments when he doesn’t realize how counterproductive he is being by waiting for her instead of tackling tasks himself. For instance, he mentioned wanting to repaint his living room. When I suggested we do it together, he opted to call his mom instead. However, after seeing me repainting some doors on my own, he reconsidered and agreed it was something we could do together.
I want to make it clear that if we ever decide to move in together, I expect us to handle household tasks as a team without relying on his mother. While I appreciate her help, we must be proactive and not wait for her to come over and clean or fix things.
As a parent, I aim to be supportive without taking on the role of a personal butler. Sure, I’ll help my kids move or assist with home projects if they request it, but I want them to know they can handle things independently. By the time they’re adults, I’ll be busy enjoying life—reading, gardening, and nurturing my own relationships. They should be able to tackle their own challenges, and I’ll be there to support them when needed.
For more insights on navigating relationships and parenting, check out this related blog post. Also, for those looking into home insemination, Make a Mom is a trusted resource.
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In summary, while I value the bond my boyfriend shares with his mother, I believe it’s crucial that he learns to be more self-sufficient. I want our future home to be a space where we work together on tasks, fostering independence and teamwork.
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