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When you’ve spent more than a decade with the same partner, it’s easy to fall into a routine where you assume they’ll be there for you night after night. There’s a certain comfort that comes with predictability, leading to a lack of urgency. When the thought crosses your mind, “Should we be intimate tonight?” you might brush it off, thinking, “There’s always tomorrow.” However, those tomorrows can quickly accumulate, and suddenly, you find yourself only connecting intimately every few weeks, feeling unsatisfied and perplexed about how you reached that point.
If you’re like me, you might search for solutions in the works of relationship experts, such as Ava Sinclair, who advocates for scheduled intimacy. She suggests, “Planning for intimacy reaffirms your erotic connection, just like when you were dating. Think of it as extended foreplay—anywhere from twenty minutes to two days.” So, after an awkward yet endearing discussion with your partner about increasing intimacy, you agree to set a regular date—at least once a week—to keep the spark alive. Initially, the anticipation is thrilling, just as Ava suggested.
However, my experience with this schedule has been anything but smooth. We started our weekly dates on Wednesdays during lunch while the kids were in school. The first couple of weeks went well, but then unexpected work meetings began to interfere. So we moved our date to Sunday nights. Unfortunately, we found ourselves too drained from weekend activities, like sports events and family movie nights, to follow through. Seeing “Intimacy Time” marked on our calendar became a bit dispiriting, especially when it was frequently postponed or rescheduled.
It’s clear that for this plan to be successful, we must adhere to our scheduled dates. Failing to do so not only undermines the goal of having more intimacy but can also lead to hurt feelings and a desire to abandon the effort entirely, retreating to the comfort of not trying at all.
Recently, however, I discovered a significant flaw in this approach. Both my partner and I were working from home with the kids at school when an unexpected wave of desire hit me. Perhaps it was the pleasant weather or a fleeting thought about an old flame. Whatever the reason, I wanted intimacy immediately. I texted my partner, “What’s your schedule like? Want to hook up?” After an hour of silence, he replied, “I have a meeting soon. How about tomorrow?” I agreed, but in that moment, I felt rejected. I rarely initiate intimacy, and being turned down brought up emotions I hadn’t anticipated.
The most challenging aspect wasn’t just the rejection but the timing. I craved intimacy right then and ended up feeling frustrated. Sure, I could have turned to self-pleasure, but I longed for the connection of another person. This highlights a significant drawback of scheduled intimacy; it seldom aligns with when you genuinely want it. While I can get into the mood when “Intimacy Time” arrives on the calendar, I miss that exhilarating feeling of wanting someone so intensely that nothing else matters.
This situation also ties into the complexities of long-term relationships. Take, for example, the Coolidge Effect, a phenomenon where animals lose interest in sex with a familiar mate but regain their enthusiasm when presented with a new partner. I understand this sentiment well. A few years ago, I met someone at a work event, and I felt an undeniable attraction. Although I’ve never cheated, the thought that I could have been intimate with him without regret crossed my mind. I believe that experiencing desire for someone else doesn’t diminish the love I have for my partner; instead, it can coexist alongside the affection we’ve built over time.
These reflections have led me to question the concept of lifelong monogamy and whether there’s room for alternative arrangements that foster trust and fulfillment. Even someone like me, who was raised with traditional views on relationships, is curious about exploring my sexuality in a way that allows both personal growth and a thriving partnership.
Some may argue that what I seek is immature, claiming that true love matures beyond youthful passion. While I acknowledge that initial lust often evolves into something deeper, I still yearn for that effortless, intoxicating desire. This yearning is part of me that isn’t ready to relinquish the thrill of being attracted to someone.
I find inspiration in the more open sexual attitudes of younger generations, making me aware of desires I wish to explore—intimacy with women, encounters with strangers, or that intriguing guy from the office. I believe these experiences shouldn’t threaten the solid foundation of my relationship. Though I haven’t found a way to reconcile these feelings just yet, I’m open to suggestions.
For further insights on navigating intimacy and relationships, you might find value in this related post on our blog. Additionally, for those considering at-home insemination options, check out experts at Make a Mom and UCSF for comprehensive resources.
Summary
This article explores the complexities of scheduled intimacy in long-term relationships, revealing the challenges of adhering to set dates for intimacy and the feelings of rejection and frustration that can arise when desires don’t align. The author reflects on the desire for spontaneity and connection, questioning traditional views on monogamy while expressing a yearning for exploration and growth within their partnership.
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