I'm the Mom of the 'Misunderstood' Kids — You Need to Give Us Both a Break

My children are often labeled as the ‘troublemakers.’ You know the type—those boisterous kids dominating the playground, swinging their swings too high, and throwing tantrums at the mere thought of leaving. One of them might even erupt in an epic meltdown in front of their friends. They can be rough with each other and often disregard the intended use of playground equipment; they climb up slides, shimmy through tunnels, and hang from heights that make other parents gasp. If sticks are around, they’ll carry and battle with them. If there are pine cones, they’re using them as ammunition. Logs become the foundation of a fort that can only survive if no one dares to breathe on it.

Other parents often eye me with judgment as I drag one of my kids, crying loudly, toward the car. Their expressions convey the unspoken message: those kids are unruly, and it’s the mom’s fault. They assume my children would behave better if I just… insert harsh, unrealistic disciplinary measures here.

But Here’s the Truth: They’re Not Bad Kids

The reality is that my kids are neurodiverse, each with varying degrees of ADHD. This world isn’t designed with neurodiversity in mind, which explains their loud voices, unexpected tantrums, and constant need for sensory stimulation that often leads to climbing outside tunnel slides. Their boundless energy means they spend a lot of time running and playing outside, which explains their ability to swing from great heights. In fact, my oldest once had to demonstrate complex hanging poses as a diver, despite being the youngest on the team.

Kids with ADHD often display behavior that seems inappropriate for their age. They might whine, throw tantrums, or interrupt conversations. They look like the ‘bad kids,’ but they are simply acting in ways that reflect their needs and expectations.

Our parenting approach is quite free-range. At home, they can play with sticks and create their own adventures, including stick armies. While some might consider this reckless, I believe they need this freedom to explore, learn from their mistakes, and interact with nature. A simple swing set doesn’t suffice for them.

Being homeschooled means they view children of all ages as potential friends, which leads them to invite kindergarteners into their imaginative play. What’s often overlooked is their consideration for the younger kids’ safety. Yet, others are too quick to label them as ‘bad’ without seeing the full picture.

Of Course, It’s My Fault Too

When kids misbehave, society tends to blame the parents by default. My kids are considered ‘bad,’ so naturally, my husband and I are seen as ‘bad’ parents. This perception is reinforced when I choose not to punish my child for a tantrum. Instead, I calmly engage with him, helping him to calm down before we leave the playground. When they misuse playground equipment, I don’t scream at them; rather, I gently remind them how their actions can influence younger children.

I don’t enforce strict rules about how to use equipment; I encourage them to be cautious about their actions and how they affect others. Gentle reminders, however, often aren’t enough to diffuse the stigma of being ‘bad kids.’

I understand that hitting or yelling won’t teach them anything. Instead, we focus on emotional regulation through gentle conversations. We practice using words, taking deep breaths, and expressing feelings.

As for the sticks and forts? I will intervene if other parents seem overly upset, but I will do so kindly, explaining the situation without making my kids feel guilty. I won’t confuse them with sudden changes in rules, as consistency is vital for neurodiverse children.

Yes, they will continue to appear as the ‘bad kids’ unless there’s a shift in understanding regarding neurodiversity and diverse parenting styles.

So, the next time you see a parent dealing with a tantrum or a child acting out, consider stepping back from the impulse to judge. Instead, think about how you could offer support. We moms of neurodiverse kids could truly use that kindness.

If you’re interested in more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this useful resource on pregnancy and parenting.

Search queries:

In summary, the perception that my children are ‘bad’ is misguided. They are navigating the world through a neurodiverse lens, requiring understanding rather than judgment. By fostering a supportive environment, we can help them thrive.