Four Alternatives to Staring at My Child and His Wheelchair

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Let’s discuss staring for a moment.

My son, Leo, has faced a lot of staring since his diagnosis five years ago. When we brought him home from the hospital, he had a noticeable scar on his head, a slight droop in his face, and an expression that seemed distant. During the pandemic, we kept him mostly at home, so I forgot how often people gawk at him. Now that we’re getting out again, I’m reminded that Leo doesn’t look like every other child.

I don’t think staring comes from a bad place. Most of the time, it’s fueled by curiosity, concern, or sympathy. I try to smile through it and not let it bother me—or Leo, for that matter.

Children often stare, and they get a pass for it. They’re just trying to figure out if Leo can play, which is sweet.

But sometimes, staring crosses a line.

Just yesterday, we stopped by a local grocery store to escape the heat. I was juggling a bag of snacks and drinks while pushing Leo’s wheelchair. My daughter, Mia, was with us, also carrying items we didn’t really need as we searched for baby supplies. Suddenly, we turned a corner and encountered a girl around twelve years old. She was staring at Leo with an expression of deep concern. I smiled at her, and she said, “I love special needs.”

For a moment, I was taken aback. How did she know Leo was considered “special needs”? (We can discuss the term another time). I looked at Leo through her eyes: flushed cheeks, mismatched eye movements, one arm reaching for items while the other rested in his lap. And, of course, the wheelchair.

I awkwardly replied, “Um… thank you?” What do you say to that? (An hour later, I thought of a great response: “You should try having one!” I still find it funny. When things feel awkward, I often make jokes, and I was full of them that day.)

She meant well, and I understood her intention was to express support for Leo, but her comment felt a bit off. It felt more like something you would say about a cute pet—like, “I love poodles.”

The more time passes, the more I understand what it means for my son to be part of a community that is often hard for others to relate to. A friend recently shared that some people find it easier to greet her service dog than her daughter.

I wanted to argue, but she was right. It’s an awkward situation. Often, I can see when it clicks for someone that Leo isn’t in a wheelchair due to laziness. There’s a moment of panic as they decide how to react. Most choose to smile and move on (a fantastic response!), while some realize they’ve been staring and quickly look away.

I totally get it. Almost everyone has a beloved pet. Very few have a Leo.

So, what can well-meaning people do?

It’s a complex question without a simple answer. I’m just one mom with one kid, but here’s my take:

1. A smile and a friendly “Hi,” or even just a wave, can go a long way. If you’re wearing a mask, I appreciate your efforts to protect my child!
2. Read the room. I’m usually happy to explain Leo’s situation if time allows. I enjoy educating others, especially kids, but not when we’re in a hurry. If you feel curious and the caregiver seems open, then ask away. Otherwise, it’s okay to keep quiet.
3. Be mindful of your words. If you want to express support, remember you’re talking to a person about another person. Offer a genuine compliment that isn’t related to the disability, like “He’s super cute.”
4. Please try to avoid staring at my son. If you do, and I catch you, be prepared for a bad joke, and we’ll all end up laughing awkwardly.

Look, my son Leo is incredibly lovable, and I understand why people are drawn to him. The wide-eyed stares, the awkward comments—these reactions are human nature. But let’s bring the awkwardness into the open, laugh about it, and work towards change. Leo isn’t staying home, so the next time you see him out and about, how about a friendly high five?

For more insights on topics like home insemination and parenting, check out this article and this one.

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In summary, the next time you encounter a child with a disability, remember that your approach can make a difference. A smile, a wave, or even a kind word can create a more inclusive atmosphere. Let’s embrace the unique beauty of each child and learn how to support them together.