Dear Emily,
Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of questions about whether you might have siblings in the future. I’ve explained that I don’t anticipate you having any, but many seem unwilling to accept my decision. They argue that I can easily have another child, calling me selfish for not doing so. Some even suggest that without a brother or sister, you might end up lonely, spoiled, or too mature for your age. Apparently, not giving you a sibling means I’m failing as a parent.
Motherhood often feels like a space filled with opinions and expectations. For some, it’s a delightful, chaotic journey—a place they long to be. Yet, as I watch you grow at just three and a half years old, I’m finally beginning to share my truth with those closest to me.
Stepping into motherhood was not the joyous occasion I had envisioned. Instead, I found myself grappling with postpartum depression. It struck me one day while I was taking out the trash. You were peacefully asleep inside, and I had an unsettling thought about putting you in a bag and leaving you there. A wave of relief washed over me at that moment.
Writing this pains me deeply.
I vividly recall sitting outside, my palms sweating and my heart racing, as I stared at the trash bin. I promised myself I wouldn’t go back inside until that thought faded. Each time I encountered those feelings, I found myself doing the same.
When you were born, my grandparents held you and expressed their worry that I wouldn’t feel love for you. Given my mother’s history with postpartum psychosis, I was aware of my risk for depression, yet knowing and experiencing are worlds apart. The shame of not surpassing my mother’s struggles kept me silent. Even now, I can count on one hand the people I’ve confided in.
I am the kind of mother who once locked herself out of the house to protect you. I fear telling you this because I never want you to think you were unwanted. It was out of love that I stayed outside; it was love that brought me back in. You are deeply loved and cherished, my only child. Acknowledging my limitations is the bravest thing I can do right now.
You may grow up without siblings. I only hope you can forgive me for that.
With all my love,
Mom
For more insights on parenting and choices, you might find our article on home insemination methods helpful. You can explore options, like the home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo for those considering alternative paths to parenthood. Additionally, the March of Dimes offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, I’ve chosen to raise my daughter as an only child not out of selfishness but as a result of my personal journey through motherhood, which has been fraught with challenges. My commitment to her well-being remains my top priority.
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