What 'Dunbar's Number' Reveals About Our Closest Friendships

If you were to consult evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, you’d find that friendships can indeed be measured. Dunbar, the author of Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships (set to be released in the U.S. this coming January), introduced the concept known as “Dunbar’s Number.” At its core, this theory posits that an individual can maintain an average of 150 relationships.

However, “Dunbar’s Number” is not just a straightforward statistic; it encompasses a more intricate model. Dunbar illustrates relationships as a series of concentric circles, akin to a dartboard. At the center, you’ll find the most intimate connections—likely your romantic partner. The next circle, which holds around five individuals (including that closest companion), consists of those who would drop everything to support you in times of crisis. As you move outward in multiples of three, the closeness of these relationships diminishes, culminating in the outermost ring—your “weddings and funerals group,” comprised of those expected to attend major life events.

It’s fascinating to realize that the innermost two circles only encompass a mere 0.033% of that total 150. Cultivating and sustaining deep friendships requires considerable time and effort. Depending on life’s circumstances, we may have varying amounts of this precious resource, leading our closest friends to drift away from the center, sometimes landing as far back as the 50-person group reserved for larger gatherings.

As we navigate through life, it’s natural to experience fluctuations in our close circles. A new acquaintance from work who shares your love for a certain show might edge out a friend with differing tastes, while political views can also shift relationships, pushing certain friends further out of your inner circle.

But is it necessary to continually replace friends? According to Dunbar, the inner circle can only accommodate a finite number—five at most. It’s like a tiny clown car: once it’s full, there’s no room for extras, and someone has to make way for any newcomers.

Essentially, “Dunbar’s Number” implies that while we can have numerous acquaintances, only a select few can nurture truly meaningful relationships. This concept is quite thought-provoking, particularly when you consider that everyone has their own unique set of rings.

Personal Experiences

To illustrate, consider the following experiences:

In fourth grade, I had an unfortunate incident that led to being uninvited from a classmate’s slumber party.
Fast forward to senior year, where I was ghosted by my best friend after a rather awkward confrontation about my popularity.
By the time I was 28, a poorly timed six-month stay in Spain resulted in two roommates deciding that my subletter was a better fit.

It’s evident that the configuration of our relationships is not solely determined by us; it must also align with how others perceive their own relationships. My personal rings didn’t mesh with those of my former friends. Interestingly, I’ve also been known to shy away from overly eager acquaintances, thinking I already have enough friends. However, Dunbar’s insights suggest that I’m not callous—but rather, protecting my established 0.033%.

“Dunbar’s Number” serves as a reminder of the inevitable ebb and flow of friendships. Our social calendars might not always be brimming with engagements; our metaphorical clown car may have empty seats. We might desire to fit a new friend into our established circle, but ultimately, genuine connections can only form when both parties are willing to participate.

Summary

Dunbar’s Number illustrates that while we can maintain many relationships, only a few can be truly meaningful. The inner circles of friendship are limited, requiring time and commitment to nurture. This concept sheds light on the dynamics of our social lives and reminds us that maintaining close friendships is a delicate balance.