Parenting Insights
What It Feels Like to Be Perpetually Triggered
The term “triggered” is often overused. By definition, it refers to a response elicited by a certain action or situation. However, for those with a history of trauma, it’s not just a response; it’s a trauma response. When something reminds a traumatized individual of their past experiences, it can feel as if they’re reliving that trauma again. The reality of being triggered is challenging.
My Experience with CPTSD
I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), which often stems from childhood experiences. My trauma originated from being raised by narcissistic caregivers. I was frequently scapegoated; while my mother lived through my achievements, she also punished me harshly for them. This led me to develop a coping mechanism where I internalized feelings of being wrong and inadequate. Compliments felt deceptive, and nothing I did ever seemed sufficient for my mother. Despite my academic achievements (I’m Phi Beta Kappa with advanced degrees), I was never good enough in her eyes.
My children, despite their intelligence, always seemed to lag behind in their education, which I was responsible for as a homeschooling parent. I only received praise for being thin, which unfortunately led to an eating disorder that resurfaced in my adult life when my mother moved nearby. It was a triggering situation I was unprepared for.
As a child, I was told I lacked common sense and was blamed for not having friends while being bullied. My mother’s comments often compared me unfavorably to others, and my mental health issues were neglected because she feared it would reflect poorly on her.
The need to please my mother was so ingrained that I even longed for long blonde hair, a desire connected to the time she cut my hair short while allowing my siblings’ hair to grow long. At 40, I realized I was still making choices aimed at gaining her approval, chasing a love that was never forthcoming.
The Challenge of Trauma Therapy
I am currently undergoing trauma therapy to reclaim my choices and live authentically, but it’s incredibly difficult. I expected the process to involve discussing major events, like bullying and family conflicts. However, therapy often involves recognizing the depth of the dysfunction I endured.
When I least expect it, memories can overwhelm me, bringing tears and a flood of emotions. For instance, after a session where I expressed empathy for my mother, my husband reminded me of the patterns of control she imposed on me. This led to a night of tears and sleeplessness.
The following day, I stumbled upon an essay that articulated the dynamics of narcissistic families in a way that struck me deeply. As I read, I felt a wave of recognition, but it triggered an intense reaction. I had to step outside and scream to release the pent-up emotion. The next day, my husband’s anger, though not directed at me, triggered memories of my father’s yelling, causing me to retreat into myself instead of confronting my feelings.
Navigating these triggers is exhausting. Even seemingly benign activities, like reading a book, can become a trigger if it resonates too closely with my past. I found myself analyzing the similarities in the stories, which left me feeling drained.
Finding Relief in the Process
After several days, I finally felt somewhat trigger-free, a welcome relief in the rollercoaster of emotions. My therapist assures me that the intensity of trauma therapy will eventually ease, but for now, I continue to grapple with the challenges.
In the meantime, if you find me absent, I may be seeking solace in music or hiding away to process my thoughts.
For more insights on navigating trauma and personal growth, check out this helpful resource or learn about various approaches to home insemination at Make A Mom, which is an authority on the topic. Additionally, Connect ASRM offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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