Parenting Insights
What It’s Like to Live with Constant Triggers
By Sarah Miles
Updated: July 30, 2021 | Originally Published: July 30, 2021
Microgen Images/Science Photo Library/Getty
The term “triggered” is often overused. By definition, it refers to a response caused by a specific action or situation. However, for those with a history of trauma, it signifies a different experience: a trauma response. When something reminds a person of their past trauma, it can feel as if they are reliving it. This is what it means to be triggered—and it can be incredibly distressing.
My Journey with CPTSD
I live with CPTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which often stems from childhood trauma. My experiences arise from growing up with narcissistic parents. Frequently, I was the scapegoat; my mother lived through me while punishing me harshly. I struggled to establish my own identity, leading to coping mechanisms that made me believe my mother was always right and I was always wrong. I internalized the message that I was inadequate—a failure in every aspect. Compliments felt like lies or mistakes.
No matter what I achieved (like being Phi Beta Kappa), it was never enough for my mother. I was never smart enough, attractive enough, or hardworking enough. My children, despite their intelligence, were always perceived as lagging in their education—something I, as a homeschooling mom, felt responsible for. The only praise I received was for being thin, which eventually led to an eating disorder that resurfaced in adulthood when my mother moved nearby. Talk about being subconsciously triggered.
As a child, I was told I lacked common sense and faced blame for not having friends amidst bullying. I was constantly reminded that I would never measure up to others in terms of beauty. My mental health issues went untreated because my mother feared the stigma of having a depressed and anxious child.
The need to please my mother was so ingrained that I longed for long blonde hair—something my trauma therapist and I traced back to my mother’s habit of cutting my hair short while allowing my siblings’ hair to grow long, showering them with praise. Even at forty, I was oblivious to how many choices I made were attempts to gain her approval, chasing a love I would never receive. Enough of that.
The Challenge of Trauma Therapy
I’m engaged in trauma therapy to reclaim my life and make decisions for myself (like embracing my short dark hair). It’s an incredibly difficult journey. I expected to discuss significant events from my past, such as bullying or being labeled an ungrateful brat. However, that wasn’t the focus.
I can recount those experiences without triggering a panic. Trauma therapy involves rewriting the narrative of my life and recognizing the extent of the dysfunction I endured. It’s not as simple as my therapist validating my feelings; instead, realizations hit me unexpectedly, leading to overwhelming emotions. I often find myself crying in bed to the tune of David Bowie’s “Under Pressure.” We all have our coping strategies.
The Reality of Constant Triggers
There was a night I found myself feeling sympathy for my mother, mistakenly believing she didn’t comprehend the harm she caused. When I shared this with my husband, he responded passionately, reminding me of our attempts to make peace with her and how he was beginning to understand the depth of my trauma. I ended up in tears and struggling to sleep—this was a trigger.
In therapy the next day, I mentioned my feelings for my mother, and while the session was uneventful, I accidentally stumbled upon an essay that perfectly encapsulated narcissistic family dynamics. As I read, I felt the weight of my past crash over me. When I reached a particularly poignant line about the effects of a narcissistic mother, I knew I was on the brink of breaking down. Upon finishing the essay, I had to step outside and scream in my car for five minutes. That evening, I scheduled an emergency therapy session and sought comfort in drinks with friends.
The following day, my husband expressed anger (not directed at me), which triggered my past experiences with men yelling. I froze and retreated, unable to articulate my feelings. It left me shaken for hours.
Days later, I picked up Anne Rice’s “The Witching Hour” to read at the beach. However, the book’s themes of incest and generational trauma led me to toss it aside, deep in thought but not in tears. This was another subtle trigger, leaving me emotionally drained.
Now, three days later, I’m enjoying a brief period of relief from triggers. They often come in waves, but my therapist assures me that the intensity will lessen over time. Until then, I’m adapting to this exhausting reality, knowing that learning to make my own choices is worth the struggle. If you can’t find me, I’m likely hiding out with David Bowie.
For more insights on trauma and family dynamics, check out this related post on our blog Home Insemination Kit. You can also visit Make A Mom for expert advice on insemination techniques, and Cleveland Clinic’s podcast for valuable resources on pregnancy and fertility preservation.
Summary
Living with constant triggers, especially for those with CPTSD, can be overwhelming and exhausting. The process of trauma therapy is challenging as individuals confront the realities of their pasts and work towards healing by reclaiming their identities and choices. While triggers can come in waves, the journey toward understanding and recovery is essential, even if it feels insurmountable at times.
Leave a Reply