Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

I live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly referred to as CPTSD. Alongside this, mental health professionals have also diagnosed me with other conditions, including bipolar II disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. Among these, CPTSD is the most challenging, leading me to question whether it has contributed to my other struggles. While medications effectively manage my other issues, providing quick relief, CPTSD remains a constant presence in my life, impacting everything from my hairstyle to my dietary preferences and parenting approach—it’s something I can’t seem to shake off.

I’m putting in significant effort to address this. I have access to dedicated professional support, available to me even on weekends. However, navigating recovery is daunting. It demands hard work and requires me to alter my entire way of life. I find myself needing to rewrite my own story.

Distinguishing PTSD from CPTSD

Most people are familiar with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), often linked to individuals like soldiers or victims of abduction who experience a singular traumatic event. Symptoms include flashbacks, avoidance of reminders of the trauma, altered beliefs and feelings about trust and safety, hyperarousal, and physical reactions such as nausea.

CPTSD, however, arises from a series of prolonged traumatic experiences, such as childhood abuse, being in an abusive relationship, or enduring war conditions. In addition to PTSD symptoms, CPTSD often involves uncontrollable emotions, alterations in consciousness, deep feelings of guilt or shame, relationship difficulties, and a disconnection from previously held beliefs. I experience all of these symptoms.

The Origins of My CPTSD

My CPTSD stems from a lifetime of neglect from my narcissistic mother, beginning at birth and extending until I turned forty. You might wonder how neglect can begin so early. To illustrate, I didn’t even have a name for a week after birth. My mother had assumed I would be a boy and hadn’t selected a name for a girl. When she finally chose “Elizabeth”—after her mother’s middle name—this was meant to distance her from naming me after my paternal grandmother, suggesting that even my name was rooted in resentment.

Throughout my childhood, I was often made the scapegoat for my mother’s insecurities, a common trait in narcissistic family dynamics. My brother received accolades and privileges, while I faced criticism and neglect. I was belittled and made to feel inadequate, with a harsh focus on my appearance. My mental health went untreated, and my achievements were dismissed.

Approaches to Treating CPTSD

Treatment for CPTSD typically involves talk therapy. Many opt for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which aids individuals in identifying and reframing negative thoughts. I am currently engaged in trauma therapy, specifically utilizing a method called imaginal exposure. This approach allows me to discuss my trauma openly and examine the underlying beliefs that arise from it. For instance, I had issues with anorexia during my teenage years that resurfaced a few years ago, and I still struggle with disordered eating.

Three years ago, my mother moved closer to me, reawakening many old feelings. I was never deemed beautiful, but I was thin. Family dinners often turned into unexpected confrontations, leaving me with deep-seated reactions that affect my behavior even today—like how I instinctively start cleaning up at gatherings.

My traumas run deep, influencing my preferences and dislikes—often rooted in a desire to gain my mother’s approval, which was never forthcoming. Together with my therapist, I am on a journey to rediscover my own likes and dislikes, which can be overwhelming but also liberating.

My Path to Healing

I have chosen to distance myself from my mother, realizing the extent of my experiences through therapy. I am learning to make my own decisions—changing my hair, experimenting with new foods, and even discarding clothes that serve as reminders of past trauma.

Trauma therapy focuses on small, everyday choices rather than monumental changes. It’s about recognizing how my past affects my present, from my music preferences to my favorite dishes. I am slowly uncovering my identity, a process that is both frightening and necessary.

I am committed to building a genuine life for myself. While my trauma will always be part of who I am, it has also shaped my compassion and understanding of others. I share my story in hopes that it resonates with someone else, offering them a sense of connection and comfort. Overcoming my past is a journey, but I am determined to not just exist with it but to thrive beyond it.

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Summary

This article discusses the author’s experience with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) rooted in childhood neglect. It contrasts CPTSD with PTSD, describes symptoms, and shares insights into recovery through trauma therapy. The author highlights the importance of self-discovery and healing, emphasizing the impact of traumatic experiences on daily life while expressing determination to live authentically.