I never anticipated today. I knew the sun would rise, even if hidden behind a thick layer of clouds. I could expect to hear the buzzing of bees outside my window and the melodious chirping of birds. My children would wake up, eyes wide and hearts open, rushing into the living room calling out for me. But I didn’t foresee being here. I didn’t want to be here, and I certainly didn’t plan for today, especially after everything I had gone through. I didn’t expect to see another Tuesday—much less another month. It’s been three weeks since I faced the darkest thoughts, contemplating ending my life.
Describing what it’s like to survive a suicide attempt is challenging. Waking up on the other side feels surreal. My last encounter with death was not as drastic as my previous attempts—I had a plan, but I never followed through. I didn’t swallow any pills, but mentally, I was prepared for my heart to stop and for my life to end. It’s difficult to regain stability after such a profound experience. How do you find your footing when, for months, the ground felt unsteady beneath you? How do you embrace love and joy when everything seems devoid of meaning?
I know I’m not alone in this struggle. In the United States, over 45,000 people die by suicide every year, and for every death, there are 25 attempts. This means that more than a million individuals have woken up like I did—unsure and bewildered, finding it hard to move forward.
Suicide ranks as the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S. It’s a growing concern, especially among young people. A 2018 study highlighted an alarming trend where more children, particularly girls, are considering suicide. This is a crisis that cannot be overlooked.
The silver lining is that I am still here. I am functioning—I wake, walk, talk, and breathe. From a medical standpoint, I’m okay. The pills I once contemplated have been thrown away, and the alcohol I thought would numb my pain is gone. I never ended up in the hospital, and my children never found me unresponsive, as I had feared. I should be grateful for this second chance at life.
Yet, I still face challenges with everyday tasks. Simple things like showering or finding the motivation to eat feel monumental. Being present with my children? That’s a struggle too. I’m often exhausted but can’t seem to find rest. I feel lonely in the chaos of my life. I need comfort but push people away, feeling undeserving of their love. There’s a conflict within me—nothing seems coherent. I’m alive, yet I often feel like I shouldn’t be.
I’m taking it one step at a time, day by day. Each morning, I exercise to remind myself that I’m still here. I hold my children close, cherishing those moments, reminding myself that they are a gift. I speak with my therapist weekly and my psychiatrist a few times a month, pushing through the discomfort. I tackle the mundane tasks, even when I don’t want to, because I know healing is possible. It’s only been 23 days, and I believe I will get there. You can too.
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In summary, navigating life after a suicide attempt is a complex journey filled with challenges and hope. While it may feel overwhelming at times, taking small steps toward healing is essential. Remember, you are not alone, and there is support available.
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