I never anticipated today. Sure, I knew dawn would break, even if it was hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds. I expected the familiar buzz of bees around my window and the cheerful chirping of birds. I was aware my kids would wake up, their eyes bright and hearts full of curiosity. They would burst into the living room, calling out for me. But I didn’t foresee being here. I didn’t want to be here, nor did I plan for today because I was not meant to see it. I didn’t expect to make it this far—three weeks after contemplating ending my life.
Describing the experience of surviving a suicide attempt is incredibly difficult. Waking up on the other side leaves you in a state of confusion. My last near-death experience wasn’t as intense as the two before it; I had a plan and the means, but I never went through with it. I didn’t take those pills. However, mentally, I was ready for my heart to stop and for my existence to cease. Recalibrating after such a mindset is no easy task. It’s challenging to discover joy and purpose when you’ve spent months feeling as if nothing mattered.
I know I’m not alone. In the United States, over 45,000 individuals die by suicide each year, and for every death, approximately 25 attempt it. That equates to over one million people who, like me, find themselves in this uncertain space, unable to move forward.
Suicide ranks as the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., a concerning trend, particularly among youth. A 2018 study highlighted that more children, especially girls, are grappling with suicidal thoughts. It’s a staggering statistic that we must address.
On a positive note, despite everything, I am here. I am awake, moving, talking, and breathing. Medically, I am fine. The pills are gone, and the alcohol I once considered is out of my life. I never ended up in the hospital, and my children didn’t find me in a state I had feared. My heart kept beating, and I should feel grateful—#blessed, even.
Yet, I still face challenges with simple daily tasks. Showering feels daunting, mustering up the energy to eat is a battle, and being fully present with my kids? I’m not there yet. I lie awake at night, exhausted but unable to find rest. I feel isolated, yet there’s never a moment of solitude. My body aches, and I crave comfort while simultaneously wanting to scream, “Don’t touch me!” I struggle with feelings of unworthiness, and everything feels chaotic. It’s a contradiction: I am alive when I once thought I wouldn’t be.
Still, I’m taking it step by step, day by day. I exercise each morning to get my blood flowing and remind myself of my existence. I cuddle with my children, holding them close, repeating to myself that these moments are precious. I am grateful for each day. I meet with my therapist weekly and my psychiatrist a couple of times a month. I push through the discomfort and tackle those mundane tasks, knowing that healing is possible. After all, it has only been three weeks. It’s only been 23 days, and I will get there. You can too.
If you or someone you know is in need of support, consider reaching out for help through resources available online. For more insights, check out this other blog post on home insemination or visit March of Dimes for excellent pregnancy resources. You can also explore Make a Mom for authoritative information on self-insemination.
Summary
Life after a suicide attempt can be fraught with challenges, including feelings of confusion, isolation, and unworthiness. However, there is hope and healing available through small, daily steps, support from professionals, and cherishing moments with loved ones.
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