During the early days of the pandemic, I often found myself staring out the window, feeling lost and unmoored. Every decision became a challenge—whether it was choosing a restaurant for takeout or contemplating significant career moves. More often than not, the choices I did make felt wrong or out of character, leaving me in a constant state of anxiety and dread.
As we transitioned from a harsh fall to a dreary winter, hope seemed to emerge in late spring. Initially, I was skeptical, but optimism began to creep in, suggesting that the worst might be behind us. However, that hope quickly faded, replaced by overwhelming waves of anger.
I’m not just feeling a bit sad; I’m genuinely furious. Each day, I wrestle with an undercurrent of rage that threatens to spill over. On the surface, everything appears calm and even pleasant. My family is healthy, vaccinated, and we live in an area with mask mandates that ease some of my worries. I have a fulfilling job that offers flexibility, and my marriage is strong. So, what’s the issue?
The truth is, the world around us is filled with uncertainty and loss. In those early months of the pandemic, I was in a haze of confusion, unable to grasp the situation. The relentless cycle of “what should I be doing?”—cleaning, napping, working on my resume—left me feeling adrift.
The brain fog eventually gave way to anxiety and an overwhelming sense of melancholy. I felt odd admitting my struggles, as I managed to maintain a semblance of normalcy in my daily life. I completed my work tasks, volunteered when I could, and kept in touch with friends. I even found silver linings in these tumultuous times, such as enjoying family moments during lunch breaks. Yet, beneath those moments of joy lay an omnipresent dread.
When friends asked how I was, I grappled with my response. Should I express my frustrations over quarantine fatigue and the bewildering conspiracy theories swirling around? Or should I highlight my gratitude for health, safety, and strong family bonds? Ultimately, I often settled for a weary “I’m fine… I guess.”
Fast forward nearly a year, and I find myself in a similar emotional space. Despite the intense anger and disappointment at the ongoing pandemic, I still experience unexpected moments of happiness. This juxtaposition of emotions leaves me feeling confused—how can I be so angry when my life seems relatively good? It feels irrational, as if I am trapped under a cloud of gloom.
The answer lies in what experts call ambiguous loss. Initially, there was much discussion about the grief we were experiencing—the loss of normalcy, security, social connections, and jobs. A year later, many of us are still grappling with these losses, and for those sensitive individuals among us, there’s the additional mourning of our faith in humanity. It’s a jarring realization that challenges our core beliefs about people’s innate goodness.
Research suggests that ambiguous losses, as defined by Dr. Pauline Boss, can leave us feeling stuck. According to her, we face a multitude of unidentifiable losses, such as the loss of trust in a safe world and the disruption of our daily routines. Dr. Boss recently published a book on this topic, emphasizing that the ambiguity of these losses can prevent our grief from naturally subsiding.
To move forward, she encourages us to release the expectation of closure. Instead of pushing away our sadness, we should aim to find purpose within our grief. Admittedly, this feels daunting to me right now. In the past, I coped by organizing vaccine appointments for loved ones, but now I struggle to transform this anger and loss into something constructive. I’m not a healthcare professional or therapist, just a writer and a mother navigating these complex emotions.
I hope to find a way to create meaning from this challenging period and that others will too. In the meantime, I share this reflection in hopes that it resonates with someone else who might be feeling similarly.
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Summary
The emotional turmoil many are facing during the pandemic stems from a complex interplay of anger, sadness, and ambiguous loss. While life may appear stable on the surface, deeper feelings of grief related to lost normalcy and trust linger. Understanding these emotions can help us navigate our feelings and find purpose in our grief.
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