Living with Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Account of Hallucinations

I’ve been off my medication for almost a week, and my mental state is starting to falter. On the bright side, I’m feeling manic, which means I’m sleeping less and working more. My productivity has soared. I’m tackling countless emails daily and producing over a dozen articles each week. I’ve even lost weight and am exercising regularly. My mind is racing as fast as my legs. I’m euphoric, feeling happier than ever. However, I’m also hearing voices again. Yes, I’m experiencing auditory hallucinations.

Understanding Hallucinations

When people think of hallucinations, they often imagine visual ones—like a character from a horror movie seeing ghosts or someone on a festival trip experiencing vibrant colors. But I don’t see things; I hear them. I hear conversations from the past, present, and future. While it may sound alarming, it’s not always distressing. In fact, it often feels like I’m eavesdropping on two friends chatting at the grocery store.

My hallucinations resemble a phone call without any device. I’ve “conversed” with my therapist and psychiatrist, but it’s all happening in my head. It feels as if there’s a TV or radio playing in the background, and most of the time, I don’t even notice these voices. They seem as real to me as my own limbs.

Some voices are passive; they can be annoying but aren’t threatening. Others give me advice on how to act or feel, while some are cold and mocking, constantly criticizing me. Regardless, they are always present, whether as allies or adversaries.

The Impact of Mental Health Conditions

I understand how this might sound irrational. I have a legitimate diagnosis of bipolar disorder with mixed moods, alongside PTSD and anxiety. While PTSD doesn’t cause hallucinations, anxiety leads me to have frantic conversations in my mind. This mix can be overwhelming, as it feels like trying to focus on a single sound in a crowded concert.

According to an article on Healthline, psychosis is a symptom of a disorder, not a disorder itself. People with bipolar disorder may experience psychosis during severe episodes of mania or depression. For me, the voices emerge primarily when I’m manic and often when I skip my medication.

Managing My Condition

Thankfully, my medication helps manage these voices. When I’m consistent with my pills, I can quiet the noise in my head. Stress can bring the voices back, and when I’m feeling down, I often neglect my medication. In those moments, mania convinces me I don’t need the pills, and that these “voices” are my friends. This is a constant struggle for me. I cycle through my moods and find myself talking to inanimate objects like pillows and walls.

Psychosis can occur during manic or depressive episodes, but it’s more common during mania, as stated in the same Healthline article. Many believe that psychosis is a sudden break from reality, but it typically develops slowly due to factors like sleep deprivation and hormonal changes. Interestingly, women are more prone to bipolar psychosis than men.

Continuing the Fight

Despite everything, I’m still fighting. Even though I’m off my meds, I’m doing my best to cope. Sometimes, the voices feel like my only friends, despite their darker moments. If you’re interested in more insights on similar topics, check out this blog post here, and if you want to learn about at-home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, consider March of Dimes.

Summary

This article provides a personal account of living with bipolar disorder and experiencing auditory hallucinations. It discusses the highs of mania and the challenges of managing mental health, particularly when medication is skipped. The writer describes the nature of their hallucinations and the struggle to navigate them while emphasizing the importance of mental health care and support.