Parenting
“Linda, I’m so let down by you.” Ouch. Even as an adult, that memory from my childhood still stings. Was my mom truly let down by me? Probably not. More likely, she was frustrated by something I did or said, but her words didn’t convey that. As someone who experienced the weight of those words, I can attest: words carry immense power. This isn’t a new concept; we all understand it, but practicing it consistently, especially when dealing with our kids, can be tough.
I often jokingly refer to my kids as my little “troublemakers.” They find it amusing and sometimes play along when I say it. It serves as my way of signaling that it’s time to calm things down without completely losing my cool. Yet, I often find myself on the verge of losing it. When we, as parents, are overwhelmed or have reached our limit for the day, we might say things we don’t mean, or we don’t consider how our words will be interpreted by young ears.
You remember the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? That was nonsense then, and it’s nonsense now. It’s not just about the words themselves; it’s about the feelings they evoke. There are certain phrases that should be avoided in conversations with your children.
Phrases to Avoid in Conversations
- “It’s Not A Big Deal”
When a child is upset over what seems trivial to us, saying this dismisses their feelings. It sends the message that their emotions are invalid. Instead, acknowledge their feelings; it’s important for their emotional development. - “You Always/Never…”
Using absolutes can be damaging. When I was a kid, I heard I “always” gave up or “never” tried hard enough. This language does not allow for nuance and can stifle open communication. - “You Make Me Feel…”
While children’s actions can influence our feelings, framing it this way can come across as manipulative. It’s crucial to communicate feelings without placing blame. - “You Should Know Better”
Children are learning and growing. Even if they repeat mistakes, using guilt as a motivator won’t foster genuine change. Instead, guide them towards understanding and problem-solving. - “Let Me Do It”
Sometimes, it’s easier to do things for our kids, but this hinders their ability to learn. Allow them to try and struggle; it’s essential for their development. - Labeling Based on Achievements
Telling your child they’re great at something can backfire if they don’t perform well next time. Instead, focus on the effort they put forth, fostering resilience and a healthy mindset.
In Conclusion
While there are certainly more damaging phrases than those mentioned, being mindful of our language is vital. What might seem minor now could leave a lasting impression. We all stumble in our parenting journey; it’s normal to make mistakes. The key is to strive for improvement in our dialogues. For those who think this is just modern, touchy-feely psychology, maybe it’s worth considering that it’s always been about understanding and connection.
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Summary
The words we choose when speaking to our children can have a profound and lasting effect on their emotional development. Phrases that dismiss their feelings, use absolutes, or place blame can create barriers in communication and hinder their growth. Instead, fostering open dialogue and acknowledging their emotions can help them develop resilience and self-esteem.
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