My relationship with my mom has been rocky for a long time now. Trust is a big issue; she often talks about me behind my back and loves to hear herself talk. Whatever I accomplish, she claims she’s done it better. If I’m feeling under the weather, suddenly she’s feeling worse.
She also tends to take advantage of others, pushing boundaries to see how much she can get. When we go out to eat, she never offers to split the bill. Instead, she waits until the check arrives and only contributes if prompted. And every time I visit her, she expects help around the house but never returns the favor. Being around her can feel toxic, so I’ve had to learn to limit my time with her.
However, my three kids absolutely adore their grandmother and want to spend time with her. I don’t have a valid reason to keep them away from her, aside from my own discomfort. That wouldn’t be fair to them, so here’s how I make it work.
I let them visit without me.
As my kids grew older, I encouraged them to spend time with her on their own. They’re teenagers now and know she can be annoying, but they don’t fully grasp the extent of it. If my mom wants to see them, they have sleepovers at her place or she cooks them dinner — and I can sit it out.
They FaceTime a lot.
Video chatting is a fantastic way for them to connect without me needing to be involved. If my mother says she misses the kids, I suggest a video call. It gives her what she wants quickly, and my kids enjoy it too.
I do my own thing.
When I know I have to spend a longer time with my mom, I don’t feel the need to be glued to her side. I might go for a walk, read in another room, or handle some chores. I’ve learned that I can only take her in small doses, so I prepare for that in advance.
I set boundaries.
If my mom crosses a line, I speak up. This took me years to learn, but it’s necessary. If she makes negative comments about my dad (her ex) in front of the kids, I tell her to knock it off. If she flakes on plans with them, I let her know it’s unacceptable. I’ve even said no to introducing them to random guys she’s dating. After her divorce, it felt like she was pushing her new relationships onto us too soon, and I don’t want that for my kids.
I set a time limit.
Before visits, I often establish a clear end time. When she comes over, I’ll tell her I need to wrap things up by a certain hour. It’s easier when we’re at her place because I can dictate when we leave. I used to come up with excuses, but now I feel more comfortable saying no outright.
I don’t want to hinder my kids’ relationship with their grandmother, but they’re starting to notice her flaws, too. Ultimately, I want them to form their own opinions about her. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, and we all deserve another chance. If things ever get unhealthy, I won’t hesitate to exclude her from family gatherings. Sometimes, breaking toxic family patterns is necessary, and I’m willing to do what it takes.
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Summary: Managing family relationships can be challenging, especially when you have kids who want to maintain their connection with a less-than-ideal family member. Finding ways to balance your feelings while ensuring your kids have quality relationships is important. Set boundaries, create time limits, and let your kids enjoy their grandmother’s company without you. Remember, it’s about finding a healthy balance for everyone involved.
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