I have never identified as a “sexual being,” and for much of my life, I was uncertain about why that was. Growing up in a Christian household, discussions about sex were virtually nonexistent. While I found both boys and girls attractive, I had no urge to act on those feelings. As my friends began to explore their own bodies and relationships, I felt paralyzed. I had no interest in engaging in any sexual acts. My thoughts didn’t revolve around oral, anal, or vaginal sex; instead, I now understand that I am asexual.
During my teenage years, I had no awareness of my asexuality. Even after marrying my husband at 23, I remained oblivious to the differences in my feelings. I couldn’t quite articulate why something felt off. Yes, we had sex—often—but my heart was seldom in it. I pretended to enjoy it, even faking orgasms, out of love for him and a desire to make him happy.
For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. Like many grappling with identity issues, I spent over a decade trying to “fix” myself. We experimented with various positions and fantasies, but last summer, I finally realized that the issue wasn’t me; it was my misguided perceptions of societal norms. I was burdening myself with expectations of what a married woman should be, which only made me feel inadequate.
Ironically, my realization came unexpectedly. While out for a walk, I listened to a podcast about identity and queer life—an area I also identify with. The guest on the show was asexual, a term I hadn’t explored in depth. As she shared her journey, I was captivated; her experiences mirrored mine. She had no sexual attraction, no desire, and I found myself resonating deeply with her story.
According to an article on WebMD, “Asexual is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or a low interest in sexual activity.” Some asexual individuals do engage in sexual activity for various reasons, like pleasing a partner or having children. Many still experience romantic feelings and pursue relationships, but they simply do not feel sexual attraction. Asexuality is not a binary; it exists on a spectrum. As noted in Bell Magazine, some people experience sexual attraction (allosexuals), while others do not (asexuals) – I identify with the latter. I can appreciate beauty and intelligence in others but feel no physical arousal. And that’s perfectly acceptable.
I’m learning to accept my identity. This label brings me comfort and relief. It reassures me that I am not flawed or crazy. I am part of a community, and I am not broken. I am a woman, a writer, a runner, a mother, and a queer person. I am a queer ace.
Navigating a committed relationship while identifying as asexual poses challenges, especially since I came to this realization later in life. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two children, and I’m unsure how this will affect us moving forward. We’ve discussed it extensively, but many uncertainties remain. I am currently working with a therapist to explore my feelings and accept my identity. My husband and I are also trying to build intimacy outside of sex, discovering new dimensions of our relationship.
Will it be sustainable? I can’t say for sure. I cannot continue hiding or pretending anymore. I must embrace who I am. This journey is ongoing, but I am learning to be confident in my skin. If you’re interested in similar topics, check out this post on home insemination and see what insights it may offer. Additionally, for more information on home insemination resources, visit Make a Mom and Mount Sinai for valuable guidance.
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Summary:
In this article, the author shares their personal journey of discovering their asexual identity after years of confusion and societal pressure. Growing up in a Christian household, they felt out of place in a world where sexual attraction was the norm. After a pivotal moment listening to a podcast, they realized that asexuality was a valid part of their identity, leading to a newfound sense of comfort and belonging. Now, they are navigating their relationship with their husband while seeking to build intimacy without relying on sex, illustrating the complexities and nuances of asexuality.
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