My children have been in mourning for nearly four years. If we include the anticipatory grief, that number extends to six. This means I’ve been raising children who are grieving for four years, not counting the earlier times when grief was unnamed and unrecognized.
In the immediate aftermath of their father’s passing, my children’s grief was palpable. It manifested in tears, outbursts, and stomachaches in the middle of the night. My approach to parenting had to adjust to accommodate their raw emotions. Every decision—whether to visit our local diner for breakfast or allow a friend to sleep over—was made with the understanding that their grief was right beneath the surface. When my son misbehaved, instead of reacting with anger, I would embrace him until his intense feelings calmed down. I navigated my daughter’s emotional outbursts with a gentle voice, allowing for extra treats and not always insisting on a tidy playroom. From the outside, it may have seemed like I was permitting them to act without consequences, but I made a conscious choice to respond differently. I understood that the reasons behind their actions had shifted due to their grief.
As time has passed, their grief has transformed; it’s less visible now. They experience moments of happiness more frequently and can discuss their dad without breaking down in tears. However, grief still surfaces unexpectedly. For instance, my daughter’s first free writing assignment brought her to reflect on her father’s battle with brain cancer. She articulated memories I thought she had forgotten, recounting times when his frustration overflowed due to the effects of medication. Reading her essay shattered my heart, revealing that those memories and feelings still occupy space in her mind and heart, and they always will.
As their grief has evolved, so has my parenting style. The days of unrestricted sweets are behind us. They are now expected to clean up after themselves and contribute to household responsibilities. While I still engage in conversations about their behavior, I handle discipline with a nuanced approach, considering the context of each incident. Parenting now resembles a more traditional style, but it’s different because that underlying grief remains. It lurks beneath the surface, influencing their actions and responses. Consequently, every parenting choice I make is filtered through this grief lens.
This means that sometimes I decline situations that might trigger grief, as my priority is to protect them. Other times, I allow them to face those triggers to teach them how to handle their emotions. I constantly evaluate their behaviors for potential connections to their grief. For example, did my son just leave a gathering with his friends and their fathers? Did my daughter just hear an enthusiastic recount of a “dad dance” performed by her friends’ dads?
Parenting grieving children means that their loss influences every choice, big or small. Their grief is always in the background of my mind.
To some, it may appear that I am still overly lenient with my children, making excuses for their misbehavior. I assure you, that’s not the case. They have boundaries and engage in social activities. They are kids, but with the added complexity of grief woven into their lives. They will always be grieving, so I will always be parenting grieving children, and my approach will reflect that. I may not be the same parent I was during the initial days of grief, but I am also not the same parent I was before grief entered our lives.
Some losses irrevocably alter who you are—how you live, eat, sleep, and perceive the world. The grief stemming from such losses is ongoing. It shifts with time, while life expands around it. However, that grief remains, influencing how you live and interact with the world. The loss has profoundly impacted my children’s childhoods; they will never be the children they might have been. As a result, my parenting has also transformed. I will never be the parent I once envisioned being.
Yes, parenting in this way can be exhausting. It comes with a lot of second-guessing and uncertainty. Yet, there’s an undeniable beauty in it. It fosters intentional parenting and encourages me to attune to my children’s feelings. While I may not always succeed, I strive to create an environment where my kids feel heard and protected, growing up in a home that nurtures empathy—a goal I would have aspired to even in my pre-grief parenting days. For more insights on parenting and related topics, check out this other blog post.
Summary:
This article discusses the author’s journey of parenting children who are grieving the loss of their father. Over the years, the author has adapted their parenting approach in response to their children’s evolving grief, balancing between providing comfort and maintaining boundaries. The narrative highlights the enduring impact of loss on their family dynamics and the necessity of intentional parenting in cultivating emotional awareness and empathy.
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