Sometimes, it feels necessary to begin with the truth: “I am a survivor of domestic abuse. Unfortunately, my mother is not.” Many might jump to conclusions, assuming that my mom fell victim to my father’s violence. That’s not the case.
In a tragic turn of events, after nearly two decades of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse towards both my mother and me, my brother took her life. He was apprehended the very next day following a brief chase and standoff with law enforcement. You would think the aftermath would be straightforward, especially since my brother confessed to me over the phone and advised me against returning home. There were also numerous documented police visits due to “domestic disturbances.” Yet, as I recount in my memoir, Seeking Justice, it took an excruciatingly long time to see him brought to justice. He manipulated the legal system just as he had manipulated our lives, and it was draining.
When my brother was finally imprisoned years later, I felt a sense of relief wash over me, as though I could finally allow myself to grieve. It felt like the ongoing legal battles had kept me emotionally trapped, but now, with that chapter closed, I was ready to move forward. Or so I thought.
I had no idea how challenging the healing process would be. I mistakenly believed that with my brother’s abuse behind me, the trauma would also fade. However, I quickly learned that burying pain only allows it to resurface later. Trauma cannot simply be tucked away; it must be confronted and processed.
Once the abuse ceased and I could face it rather than merely survive it, a long and difficult journey began. Despite the rough terrain, I understood I had to navigate it, not just for my own sake but also for my children.
Revisiting the damage my brother had inflicted upon us was daunting. I needed to relive the painful memories—the scene of my mother’s death, the years of abuse, the reasons behind it all—until they lost their grip on me. Therapy and the right support were crucial during this time. Equally important was the grace and forgiveness I learned to extend to myself.
The hardest part of this journey was forgiveness. Not that I have forgiven my brother; to be honest, I don’t believe I ever will. I don’t think forgiveness is essential for my healing either. As I expressed in my memoir, “Forgiveness often allows some of a victim’s lost freedom to return to their abuser, enabling them to feel less remorse. This burden of ‘forgiveness’ is never a victim’s responsibility. What truly matters is giving ourselves the space to heal and to forgive ourselves.” After a decade of hard work and self-advocacy, I am proud to say I have forgiven myself for sacrificing my own safety for another’s gain.
However, the journey didn’t stop there. After finding forgiveness and mastering my memories, I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries. This involved reevaluating my relationships according to those new standards. It meant letting go of many people who didn’t respect my healing process, resulting in fewer friendships and a divorce. This was painful and added more trauma to my therapy sessions.
I would be lying if I said my healing process was linear, especially in the face of skepticism from others. It’s often easier to ignore trauma and its effects rather than confront the discomfort it brings. I’ve faced accusations of “playing the victim card” simply for sharing my experiences. However, I believe that discussing my journey is an essential part of my healing, while others’ inability to accept it often reflects their own growth needs.
So, to anyone struggling, hang in there. The journey might be tough, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.
For more insights on navigating healing and the complexities of trauma, check out this other blog post. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for starting a family, resources like Make a Mom’s artificial insemination kit provide excellent guidance.
Summary
This article chronicles the author’s long and challenging journey of healing from the abuse inflicted by her brother, leading to the tragic murder of their mother. It emphasizes the difficulties of confronting trauma, the importance of self-forgiveness, and the necessity of establishing healthy boundaries in relationships. The author encourages others to embrace their healing journey, no matter how difficult it may be.
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