Last Saturday night, my partner ventured into the city for a long-awaited event, marking the first time he had socialized since the pandemic began. After 18 months of minimal interaction, this felt significant. He was thrilled, and I was genuinely happy for him. However, I couldn’t shake off some concerns regarding COVID. He was vaccinated, as were the attendees, and the event was outdoors, but I still spent the day reviewing safety measures with him, such as keeping a safe distance and wearing a mask when necessary.
As he left, I anticipated feeling anxious, but instead, I felt an unexpected wave of relief. Unlike me, he thrives on social interaction, and I knew this outing would rejuvenate him. That sense of relief, however, brought back memories of my past struggles. When our children were younger, the thought of him going out at night filled me with dread.
I know it sounds irrational. We were both adults, and I was perfectly capable of caring for our kids alone. I should have been fine with his occasional outings. But back then, I was grappling with untreated postpartum anxiety, and I was completely unaware of it. After my first child was born, I began to experience symptoms of postpartum anxiety: racing thoughts and insomnia. Initially, I dismissed these feelings as typical new parent stress, compounded by sleep deprivation.
Things escalated when my son was about two and a half. I suffered an early miscarriage the same week my son fainted in the bath. While both incidents ended well, they triggered a wave of panic. Months of anxiety, combined with extreme sleep deprivation, reached a breaking point. I became a constant bundle of nerves, plagued by frequent panic attacks and feelings of dissociation.
During this tumultuous time, my greatest fear was being left alone with my son, particularly at night. My son was an exceptionally difficult sleeper. Many toddlers struggle with sleep, but he was a master at staying awake. Despite our best efforts, getting him to bed was a nightly ordeal, often taking 1 to 2 hours of rocking and storytelling. The dread of bedtime morphed into sheer terror, especially when I had to do it alone.
When my partner was around, everything felt manageable. He was an active participant in the bedtime routine, and often, our son would settle more easily with him. The shared struggle made it bearable. But when my partner was away, I was consumed by anxiety. I vividly recall a time he went to a college reunion, and I nearly begged him not to go. I let him leave, but I was a nervous wreck. One evening, standing outside our apartment door, my heart raced as I realized I had to manage the entire evening alone with my son.
This wasn’t an isolated incident. Any time I was left alone with my son for an extended period, especially at night, I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. I loved my son dearly and was more than capable of caring for him; my anxiety was simply out of control. I kept my struggles to myself for a long time, feeling guilty and ashamed. The idea that I was anxious about an aspect of motherhood I was expected to handle confidently only amplified my feelings of inadequacy.
Fortunately, I eventually sought help for my postpartum anxiety. Returning to therapy was transformative. Within weeks, my panic attacks subsided, and my fear of being alone with my son eased. Additionally, my son gradually became easier to put to bed, which helped. While anxiety can distort perceptions, dealing with a child who requires hours to fall asleep isn’t typical. It was valid to feel stressed, but my extreme panic during my partner’s absence was irrational.
Despite the time that has passed, I have never fully disclosed how terrified I was during that period. Even now, I feel anxious about sharing this experience, yet I recognize there are other parents who might be feeling similarly. Postpartum anxiety is genuine and can induce irrational fears that make one feel inadequate. Many parents face these challenges, and if you find yourself fearful of being alone with your child or overwhelmed by any aspect of parenting, know that you’re not alone. You are not broken. Please seek help; it is essential.
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In summary, navigating the challenges of motherhood can be overwhelming, especially when dealing with postpartum anxiety. It’s crucial to recognize these feelings and seek help, as you are not alone in this journey.
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