Go Ahead and Indulge Your Child: A New Perspective on Parenting

In 1989, psychologist Dr. Samuel Hartman introduced the concept of “indulgent child syndrome” in the medical journal Pediatrics, arguing that excessive self-centered behavior in children often stems from parents failing to establish consistent, age-appropriate boundaries. Hartman, who studied young children, identified behaviors associated with indulgence, such as the need for night feedings past four months, frequent night crying, persistent temper tantrums, and unruly toddler behavior. He theorized that a child becomes spoiled when undisciplined parenting blurs the line between their “wants” and “needs.” Essentially, he painted a picture of children as insatiable beings who only learn reason when faced with discomfort.

Although Hartman’s syndrome never gained traction among pediatricians, the underlying belief that children need to be molded and controlled has persisted in Western society. This notion is more influenced by religious views on morality than by empirical research. Historical accounts show that at Plymouth Colony, parents exchanged children to avoid being overly lenient or yielding to unreasonable demands, such as refusing punishment.

Current understanding suggests that parents’ focus on what children are given or denied isn’t particularly helpful. In fact, indulgence, when provided with care and attention, isn’t inherently harmful. Many parents still hold concerns about raising selfish individuals. A 2015 Pew Research survey revealed that 71 percent of parents considered it “extremely important” for their child to develop into honest and ethical adults, while 65 percent prioritized compassion and caring. In contrast, only 54 percent thought financial independence was crucial, and just 45 percent wanted ambitious children. A staggering 46 percent of parents felt their child’s success reflected on their parenting skills, which may be true but not necessarily in the ways they believe.

The Impact of Parenting Styles

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Sanders investigated the ways in which parenting styles impact children’s behavior. Through extensive observation of Bay Area families, she identified four primary parenting styles: authoritarian (high demands, little responsiveness), authoritative (high demands, high responsiveness), permissive (high responsiveness, no limits), and uninvolved (neither responsive nor demanding). Her findings revealed that children raised by authoritative parents—who balance discipline with love and compassion—tended to have the most favorable outcomes, including better academic performance and emotional stability.

Developmental psychologist Nancy Greene notes that respect is at the heart of effective parenting. “You respect your child and their needs to the extent that it’s reasonable,” she explains. Importantly, children also have a responsibility to meet the needs of others. Greene’s research affirms that avoiding the pitfalls of a spoiled child involves striking a balance between boundaries and responsiveness.

Cultural Perspectives on Parenting

Greene highlights a cultural perspective on parenting by referencing the !Kung, an indigenous tribe in southern Africa known for their nurturing approach. !Kung children are rarely left alone, are cared for by the entire community, and have their needs met promptly. Contrary to expectations, they grow into ethical and compassionate adults, demonstrating that it’s not severity or strictness that fosters good behavior, but a supportive cultural environment.

While parents can certainly spoil their children through neglect or inconsistency, it’s essential to recognize that the real disservice lies not in providing too much love or resources but in failing to offer a stable set of values. Fortunately, children are remarkably resilient, and many adults who have faced adversities have emerged strong and capable of change. Being a parent provides a unique opportunity to break cycles of dysfunction and nurture a family centered on love, moral values, and intentionality. By creating such a foundation, there’s little risk of “spoiling” a child in the negative sense.

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In summary, the concept of “spoiling” children is often misunderstood. Effective parenting balances love and boundaries, fostering ethical and compassionate behavior rather than indulging whims. By focusing on building a supportive and consistent environment, parents can help their children thrive.