It has been 995 days since I stepped away from a life I believed would last forever—a life that consumed my heart and soul. A life that, in the end, spanned just 2,407 days. It wasn’t without its flaws; it was a blend of beauty and pain, but for those days, it was truly mine. And then, in an instant, it slipped away.
I’ve grappled with the myriad emotions that accompany this reality. To be candid, I’ve spent these 995 days in a state of denial and repression. The day I made the decision to leave was the day my heart shattered, fracturing into countless pieces. Although I’ve managed to piece my heart back together, it’s undeniably more beautiful for having endured such anguish; yet, it now holds empty spaces where a woman and three children I adored once resided—people I believed would be part of my narrative until my final chapter. These voids cannot be filled by new love or life. They remain as gaping wounds, forever open.
While I’ve openly expressed my grief over missing the three precious souls I had the privilege to parent for nearly seven years, the deeper sorrow has remained a secret. I buried the longing for that love that felt as though it was meant to last from the very beginning. And because I am fortunate enough to have found my true partner after these devastating losses, I convinced myself there was no room for such longing. So, I ignored it, pretending it didn’t exist, hiding it from everyone—including myself.
Recently, a wise friend reminded me that the heart holds memories, and this wisdom resonates deeply with me today. I still feel the love I had for that woman and those children in my very bones, like an ache that surfaces only when it rains. And recently, as I’ve been submerged in this emotional flood, I’ve realized my yearning for things to be different than they are today—impossibilities alongside likely irrational hopes.
I never wanted to return to the past or undo the journey that has led us here. I don’t wish to be back in my former life, married to that woman, parenting those children instead of enjoying the beautiful life I have today with my dream partner and our beloved Cubs. This isn’t a confession of regret; rather, it feels like the opposite. Everything that has led me here has allowed me to love my precious family in a more profound and peaceful way. My third love is the one I never anticipated and is everything I didn’t know I always needed. Yet, as I cherish the memories of the past, I hope that one day, if it’s meant to be, we can reconnect.
I was initially afraid to confront these feelings, but they emerged without my consent, making it clear that I needed to acknowledge them. And I do. The internal conflict has subsided. I feel steadier and more at peace today. I accept my emotions, realizing they are valid and real.
As I embrace these feelings, I am rediscovering myself—the emotionally honest, heart-centered individual I’ve become over the years. I am genuinely grateful for this transformation. Today, I stand in my present, ready to show up for my loved ones and myself. Perhaps you can’t fully grasp what I’ve shared, or maybe it makes you uncomfortable, but for some, these may echo your truths as well. If I can impart anything from this journey, it’s this: release your feelings, let them take flight, and liberate yourself from the pain. Give yourself permission to experience it all, and navigate your days unguarded. Vow to stop dwelling on the past and worrying about unwritten chapters.
These are my commitments to myself, and for the first time in a long while, I am fully embracing who I am and this life as it exists. In this moment, you see me—carrying a lighter load, treasuring happiness with the ones I love in this chapter, and inviting you to join me on this ongoing, beautifully messy journey.
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In summary, this journey of navigating love, loss, and new beginnings is complex and deeply personal. It’s crucial to honor all the feelings that come with it and to allow ourselves to be present in our current lives while cherishing the memories that shape us.
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