When I was growing up, my grandmother, mother, and aunts would always prepare the children’s meals during family gatherings, while the men lounged in the living room, engrossed in football and casual conversations. The women were responsible for setting the table, cooking, serving, and cleaning up, all while managing the kids’ tantrums and demands. Occasionally, we’d hear the men shout at us for being noisy, but their involvement rarely went beyond that. It was clear that the women in my life were what we now call “the default parent.”
At the time, I didn’t think much of it. It was simply what I was used to; I didn’t know anything different. However, now that I’m a mother myself, I’ve become increasingly frustrated with the way men seem to indulge themselves before the women even get a chance to sit down and enjoy their meals.
This issue extends far beyond family dinners. It reflects a recurring theme in the daily lives of mothers. In any household, there’s typically one person who takes on the role of the default parent. If you’re a woman, chances are it’s you. You don’t need a survey to confirm this; it’s something you just know.
We’re the ones our children turn to when they need something—whether we’re in the middle of several other tasks or our partners are sitting comfortably. While we might momentarily forget our own age, we can instantly recall our children’s food preferences. We keep track of practice schedules and appointments, even when our own calendars are packed.
The default parent knows the intricacies of each child’s likes and dislikes. We carry the emotional weight of the family and sort out logistics that no one else wants to tackle. We do more than enough—some might argue we do too much.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t a role that mothers desire when they choose to start a family; it shouldn’t be seen as a natural part of parenting. It’s unfair that so many mothers manage every aspect of family life, while many fathers only step in when they feel like it or when explicitly asked.
We shouldn’t have to request help from our partners when it’s glaringly obvious that we’re overwhelmed. If the house is in disarray, the kids haven’t eaten, and mom has been wearing the same sweater for days, it shouldn’t be our responsibility to point these things out.
It often feels like we’re the only ones attuned to our children’s needs. When partners ask us to delegate routine tasks that have been part of our parenting journey from the beginning, it adds to our already heavy load. The result? Exhausted, stressed-out moms who hesitate to ask for help because we feel like someone must step up, and we can’t grasp why our partners don’t see what we do.
This leads to moms completely draining themselves while fathers glide through their children’s formative years, often unaware of the complexities of daily life with them. Yes, I understand, “not all fathers,” but clearly, there are enough of them to warrant this discussion.
I genuinely believe these dysfunctional family dynamics constitute a generational curse. Many of us were raised in this environment, perpetuating these narratives from one generation to the next. Little girls become mothers who naturally take on the default parenting role, while young boys grow into fathers who remain blissfully unaware, often receiving praise for their minimal contributions. Children observe and replicate what they see, perpetuating this toxic gender-specific behavior.
Sadly, the default parent can’t break these cycles without sacrificing their own needs or, quite literally, leaving their partner. And frankly, it shouldn’t be our job to fix yet another problem.
Moms everywhere need dads to step up. When the kids wake up—whether in the morning or in the middle of the night—we need fathers who will rise to the occasion without being asked. We need dads who can dress their kids in the morning without requiring a thank-you. We need fathers who maintain their own calendars filled with their children’s activities and don’t always rely on mom to ensure they get there. And, for goodness’ sake, we need dads who serve the kids at family meals, allowing mom a moment to sit down before her food goes cold.
To encapsulate what we truly need, it would be for dads to take on a bit more of the nurturing role that moms naturally embody. Not just for their partners, but for the sake of the children—because moms can only do so much.
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Summary:
The article discusses the overwhelming burden of family responsibilities that often falls on mothers, highlighting the need for fathers to take a more active role in parenting. It reflects on generational patterns of default parenting and calls for a shift in family dynamics to alleviate the stress on moms.
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