A few years ago, my son obtained his driving license. He had an advantage, having spent years helping my father on his farm, where he learned to operate various vehicles. When I first got in the car with him, I experienced the usual parental anxiety; however, he was relaxed and confident. He aced his driving test on the first attempt, eager to drive a manual car that he saved up for himself.
He cherished that car, dedicating hours to cleaning and customizing it. He worked tirelessly on weekends, driving himself to work and helping his siblings with school runs, all while managing his gym membership expenses. My point is, he was a responsible young man.
In our state, minors aren’t allowed to have friends in the car until they’ve held a clean driving record for nine months. I reminded him of this several times, and he assured me he wouldn’t break the rules.
“It’s not worth it,” I cautioned. “You’d have to start over.”
Despite my warnings, two weeks shy of his nine-month milestone, he felt the urge to drive. Amid the pandemic, he claimed he needed to get out and planned a quick trip to the store for gas and an energy drink. I told him to be cautious and settled down to watch my show. Less than ten minutes later, my phone rang—it was my son, announcing he had flipped his car. Thankfully, he was unharmed, but the car was wrecked.
“Don’t freak out when you see it,” he said.
Instead of heading to the store, he had taken a joyride with three friends under eighteen. He took a turn too quickly, leaving them to escape from the overturned vehicle. He didn’t call the police; someone who witnessed the crash did.
I arrived just as the officer did. His friends stayed for support, and my son admitted to driving them around when he shouldn’t have. He lost his license for three months, and even when he got it back, he couldn’t have passengers for nine more months.
While I was relieved that everyone was safe, I was also furious that he had lied to me. He had committed a serious offense and could have seriously injured himself or others. That law exists for a reason: if he wasn’t trying to impress his friends, he wouldn’t have felt the need to drive recklessly.
Days later, I was still seething. I listened to a podcast about guilt, where a therapist explained that guilt is unproductive and those who dwell on it only inflict more harm upon themselves. I wanted my son to feel guilty, but I realized I had a choice: I could either punish him or allow him to learn from his mistake while giving him the space to move on.
That summer, I learned about the importance of offering second chances. My son had broken my trust, but I needed to give him the opportunity to earn it back—something my brother-in-law, an elementary school principal, emphasized as crucial in parenting.
Holding onto anger and mistrust only pushed him away. If we maintain a grudge, he might think he has nothing to lose and would be less inclined to respect rules. I’m not suggesting that consequences aren’t necessary; they are. But kids also deserve support and opportunities to improve. Shutting them out only harms both parties and prevents growth.
As difficult as it was for me to let go of my worries when he was able to drive again, it was my faith in him that he needed most. That was a year and a half ago, and it taught him a vital lesson. He hasn’t had any further incidents. Recently, he picked up his brother from school and witnessed a friend speeding in the parking lot getting pulled over. He remarked, “It felt so good to drive by and be a good kid. Seeing that cop gave me flashbacks.”
Trusting our children after they make mistakes can indeed yield positive results, even when it feels like they don’t deserve our grace.
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Summary
Forgiving your child after they make a significant mistake can be challenging but is essential for fostering trust and growth. It’s crucial to balance consequences with support, allowing them to learn from their experiences without feeling constantly punished. This approach can lead to healthier relationships and responsible behaviors in the future.
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